It’s late here but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing and what it keeps settling on is winding me up even more. Next weekend my boyfriend is going to be away. For the past 4 days I’ve been squishing thoughts about how that leaves me with a lovely opportunity to binge and purge with no panic about being caught. I have been trying to fight them as I can see how ridiculous it is to be planning a self-destructive act in such a way but my mind keeps coming back to it so instead I am going to brain dump what’s going on in my head to see if that helps.
- Having the house to myself gives me guilt free time to work on my PhD
- The fact that I feel guilty sometimes working on my PhD worries me as my boyfriend should be supportive
- My boyfriend hasn’t actually done anything to show me he’s not supportive, that is my projection
- Now I eat a wide range of foods I can’t even conjure up a list of foods that I could indulge in – the forbidden foods are no longer forbidden so have lost their pull (this is a good thing I’m thinking!). I’m currently thinking about super noodles as they’re cheap and okay to purge (sorry if tmi) but if I feel guilty about spending money than that should add to my list of why I shouldn’t binge, and if I’m already thinking about purging and how crap it will make me feel then I should try and avoid that too!
- I could go to yoga on the Sunday morning as a distraction but I went to the class before and they said it was the second hardest class which I took as them not thinking I was able (but in reality this was probably about minding my injury).
- I really need to do a big clean of the house but I’m feeling lazy about it and that worries me as I used to he somewhat compulsive about cleaning now I feel I have lost that along with my control around food. I associate my compulsions with restriction and while I can see it’s progress and living with my boyfriend has been good for that, I miss having the manic energy to clean, especially as I know my boyfriend will come home and mess it up, which is what he should do as he lives there, but I miss being in control of where everything was placed!
- I should swim as it would be good for my back, but as I’m still injured but I can’t swim the same amount as I usually would or as fast and that frustrates me that it’s not a pleasant experience at the moment. I’m fed up of going to the gym to do gentle exercises and I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking I must be lazy and unfit. I wish I had an ‘injured that’s why I’m fat sign’ despite my rational self knowing I’m not fat and I have no evidence that people are actually thinking that
- I started back on my anti depressants by taking ones I had left even though I know I shoudve gone to the doctor but I had to see a new one after my lovely one retired and I’m avoiding it as I don’t want him to read my file and think ‘you’re too fat for an eating disorder’ even though he’s a mental health specialist it’s very unlikely he would think that, plus I know EDs come in all shapes and sizes. I don’t want to have to repeat my story again and I don’t want to be lectured about coming off my medication without consulting them
- I didn’t make a follow up appointment with my nurse at my last session as she couldn’t get her computer to work. I would have to ring up for another one but I know she’s busy and someone else would make better use of my slot and that all I do is go and say yes I’m still trying but yes I’m still purging and bingeing and purging when my boyfriend is out. I liked my appointments so much better when we went through food diaries and I promised to eat more. Now I don’t keep my food diaries as I can’t bear to be told that I need to eat less
- I should keep my food diaries as that would show me how greedy I have become
- I should replace the battery in my scale as I want to know my weight – I don’t think it’s gone up as I’m still fitting in my clothes, and it shouldn’t really matter anyway, but I want to know just in case I’m in denial. My arms have definitely gotten fatter, but I know swimming more would help this.
- I’m behind in my PhD but I do have some time now to catch up but that means I can’t hide from it
- Three of my friends are pregnant and I’m jealous of them, but I know I need to finish studying for it to be the right time, but there’s never a right time, plus my study could take me years more at this rate, but my clock is ticking away, yet I would hate to be pregnant and still be bulimic and have no notions that o would magically be able to give it up.
There you go. Phew, some brain dump. I’m laughing to myself now that I thought it was actually about what food I could binge on when clearly it is so much more than that. I went from super noodles to pregnancy in only a few bullet points, my brain is clearly a weird twisted place!
I do actually feel calmer for this, it helped! Kudos to anyone that actually made it this far but this was a great post for me. I’m going to try sleep now and think of nicer alternatives for next weekend.
Night all, sweet dreams x