Not-a-marathon

So today was not-a-marathon day. The injury of doom persists. I was kind of dreading it. So much so that I tried to run on Friday just to see if it might be possible, but I couldn’t make it more than 200m, so that was not going to happen. So today I was a spectator and actually, it was a great day. Just because it was not-a-marathon day for me didn’t mean that there wasn’t a marathon! My running club peeps and my boyfriend were awesome and we’ve been for a lovely meal tonight to celebrate. I cheered my heart out and I’m so pleased that I could get my head in a space to enjoy myself and be present for others. Slowly but surely I’m learning to ride the waves of life.

Be still

I saw my physio today as my pain has worsened. I can barely walk without pain now. His estimation of recovery time is now a vague ‘weeks at the least’ and I am to stop all activity for 2 weeks to let my body tell me whats wrong.

No activity for two weeks.

You can imagine the reaction in my head. Outwardly I just fell silent. Well, after I got him to clarify that no activity mean only gentle walking without pain, not swimming, not yoga, not weights, not anything (I was desperately bargaining as you can imagine…)

He said to rest and be still.

I’m not sure I can. I mean, I can, but what happens with eating? Calories? Fat? what’s in and out? what’s burnt by being still? What will happen to my metabolism? My head has gone crazy with the numbers and worry. I replaced lunch with a coffee as I couldn’t figure it out. It shouldn’t be this hard. I know restricting will just lead to b/p-ing, but I’m petrified of binging as I know the purging won’t get rid of enough- I used exercise to do that. I lack the willpower now to restrict properly, so do I just accept the weight gain? Will I gain weight? Maybe I won’t? Will a few weeks make a difference? round and round the crazy voices go.

I just need to breathe. And do structured eating. And trust the process. And avoid the scale. And focus on my physical recovery. This is a bigger test than I was ready for. Sh*t.

It’s only a run

I’m still injured and it looks like the marathon isn’t going to happen. I’ll still go as my boyfriend is running the half marathon, I’ve other friends running the full and we have accommodation booked for the night before and after, so I will paint a smile on my face and cheer him on, but I am going to have to draw on all my resources to have a good time.

There’s a whole lot of cognitive dissonance going on right now. I know it’s only running, I know it’s not the end of the world, I know I will likely be able to run again so this isn’t the worst injury, but on the other hand I keep thinking of all the training I put in and how frustrating it is to not be able to see the fruits of my labour. I have worked really hard this training cycle to get a good PB, I was aiming for a ‘good for age’ qualifying time for London, I have been beating my PBs along the way so it was within my reach. I feel it’s all gone to waste, but then I think sensibly that as long as I get better I can try again later in the year, but the thought of more 20 miles runs is exhausting and round and round the thoughts go. I just need to stop over thinking it. It is one race. It will be done with in 8 days. I will get better. I will start running again and I can do another marathon when I’m fit for it.

The eating is another thing that is taking up brain space. I’m trying my best but it is hard now I’m not running. I’ve been swimming so that has helped, but the pool was closed today for refurbishment and I ended up in tears when I realised as I had eaten a flapjack thinking I could swim it off. As I can’t walk or cycle I have no way of burning it off now, so now I’m thinking I will have to swap it for a meal. This is such disordered thinking, I know it, you know it, even something without an ED would say that, but I swear my stomach is growing right in front of my eyes. On the positive side, I haven’t purged for 4 days and I’m feeling good about that.

So, ups and downs at the moment. All I can do is ride it out and find the positives where I can. My friends have been very supportive about the running so I’m a lucky girl in that way, and I got to spend some time with my friends new baby last week and baby cuddles are great for when I’m down. It’s not all bad, and I keep telling myself it’s only a run…

Injured

I’m injured. Like, cannot walk let alone run injured, 2 weeks out from a marathon that I have out my heart and soul training into. I needn’t have been worried about the purging affecting my race as my leg has swooped in and stolen that thunder.

I’m trying not to panic, it could still be okay, but I’m not sure if I really believe this. 

On the plus side it has made me realise my eating and purging are under my control whereas so many other things are not. The first day I just binged and purged through it (tues so boyfriend was out and it was pancake day-recipe for disaster!) but yesterday I got my sh*t together and ate balanced meals. I can actually do something about my eating whereas I can’t about lots of other variables. 

Going to try be sensible again today. Will get a swim in then have Physio later. Cross your fingers for me that it will be good news!

One day at a time

Sometimes all we need to focus on is getting though one day at a time. All I really needed to today was get myself on a bus, on a plane, on a train and back home. I needed to eat enough to do that and to be a polite, civil person to the people I encountered along the way. I made a deal with myself that I could purge if I wanted, that I could rest on the journey rather than try and work, that I could ignore all phone calls/ messages and that I would have an early night.

Most days I have fight in me and I’ll push for recovery and push myself to do work and push myself to be respond to texts and  push myself to do housework, but today I gave myself permission to just do the bare minimum and to just get myself from A to B and then hide in bed when I got there.

This strategy worked today. Amazingly there has been no purging. I  made it home. I changed the bed sheets. I sent some emails that were long overdue. I texted my friends back. I’ve not managed the early night but I have been in bed so it’s somewhat restful. Setting myself low expectations meant that I have exceeded them and feel okay about myself. I guess this is self-care.

I don’t know if this is a strategy for every day, as I feel I wouldn’t get all the things I need to do done if I was like this everyday, but that very thought challenges me to think do those things really need doing? What is really urgent and critical and what could be left to slide? I’ve worked quite hard on not being a perfectionist/overdo-er the last few years but maybe it’s something I need to look at again.

For now though, I’m going to go brush my teeth and listen to a relaxation app and get some sleep. I can feel Monday’s stress already coming over me but I am trying my best to let it drift over me.

Sending you all calm thoughts for a peaceful week ahead…

Airport wishes

I’m sitting in the airport as going home for the weekend. I’ve had a bit of a disastrous day so there’s already been tears in the train station bathroom. I’m feeling fairly out of it and looking at the departures board wishing I could board a plane somewhere far away on my own where I could hide out and stop the world for a week…or a month or a year…

I think it’s time to admit that I’m depressed. I’ve been fighting it thinking it’s just stress, but it feels more than that. I’ve been far more stressed than this last year and was able to cope but now I’m just sad and fuzzy headed and feel like I’m permanently in a swamp I can’t get out of. It won’t ever be as bad as before, I know it will pass, I know I’ll survive.

But for now I’ll just keep dreaming of sunshine and beaches and escape from my head.

Throwing it away

I’ve been training for my next marathon for 16 weeks now. I’ve run in the wet, the wind, the snow, the dark…many variations of winter weather. I’ve gotten up at silly o’clock, I’ve chosen running over socialising when needed and I have made my poor little legs more tired than they have ever been. I have given it a good effort because I wanted to see what I could do while healthy.

But as the race edges closer and work stress and life stress have pummelled me I’m close to undoing all my hard work. I’m purging daily or more and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I just need to stay healthy for a few more weeks, I’m so close now I can’t believe I’m letting ED in. What will all that hard work have been for if I throw it all away in the last couple of weeks?

The purging isn’t a weight thing, a number thing or a shape thing, it is just that I’m down and stressed and it’s my go-to option when that happens. But it’s not helping and it needs to stop. I want to get to that start line feeling like I’ve earned a shot at a good time, not feeling dehydrated, nauseous and angry at myself.

Just a few more weeks. I just need to hang on for a few more weeks. Deep breaths.

Stressed

I’m crazy busy at work. I’m training for a marathon. All I seem to do is work and run and sleep, and feel guilty about doing too little of the first two and too much of the last.

This is the first time I’ve really been under pressure since coming off my anti-depressants and I’m not coping that well. The medication took the edge of things- I would still feel stressed but it didn’t get to me in a way that hurt so much- I was aware of the stress and pressure but could still breathe with it.

Now it’s back to old times and I feel like I’m suficating. I feel less efficient. I’m on the verge of crying all the time. I’m spinning plates and every time someone asks me to do something I feel like a little earthquake hits.

As I’ve been so busy I’ve taken my eye off recovery and the purging has snuck its way back in to being a daily occurrence. I cried in the gym shower yesterday as I feel huge and flabby. The urge to self harm is raging.

I know I need to ride these few weeks out then things will be okay, but it’s been a nasty time. It’s really shown how useful the medication was for me so I need to have a good think about going back on them. Although stress is a fairly natural reaction to increased workload so maybe I just need to deal with it. I just need to grit my teeth and get through this. I know I should be doing other self care stuff too but I just don’t have the energy to try, which is stupid as it would probably give me more energy and would make me feel better about myself. I’ve definitely heard myself say that before though so I should stop talking and start doing!

Deep breaths and it will pass. Hope everyone else is doing okay.