I am currently in the library working on my PhD (well, currently I’m in the library not working on my PhD, but you know what I mean!). I went for a run before I came and brought lunch/dinner with me for afterwards which I ate at 4.30pm. It’s now 8.30 and I’m still in the library and I’m hungry. I know why: (1) I’m human and my human body likes regular food even if my ED brain doesn’t and (2) lunch/dinner is not a thing, it’s lunch or dinner it can’t be both, and especially not with a run thrown in.
I can’t concentrate on my work because I’m too busy being hungry and thinking about how I should eat but I don’t know what to eat and I hadn’t really planned on eating again today as I ate a ‘treat’ snack this morning so trying to balance it out. I’m watching a guy near me eating a family sized bag of crisps in awe and somewhat intense jealousy because he’s quite skinny. I’m going back and forth on going to the shops to get something but my friend is cooking dinner tomorrow night so I’m already worried about those calories and I’m too tired to contemplate additional exercise to burn them off.
These are such disordered thoughts. I’m writing them out slightly horrified by myself. I’ve been doing so well but seems like ED has sneakily been burrowing away and the thoughts are starting to turn into actions. I know where this leads and it’s not pretty so it has to stop. I need to go to the shop and buy some food and eat it. And then get on with my work. I’ve just lost a good hour to this food debate, an hour that I could have been tucked up in bed with a cuppa a book, not sitting in a library ogling others’ food and not doing my stupid work.
Damn sneaky ED and damn exhausting recovery where one has to be always on guard.