Fear of the plumber

I’m currently sitting on my sofa while my landlord looks at a leak from our bathroom.

I’m petrified it will be something to do with me purging in the shower. This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve caused plumbing problems.

I’m so ashamed. I hate my purging yet persist and persist with it. I just can’t seem to stop completely. I just want him to be gone and everything to be fixed so I can go to sleep and not have to deal with life. It’s just all a bit too hard at the moment.

Sigh. Rough day. 

Down

I know when I’m feeling down that writing would be a useful strategy, but sometimes it just feels like too much effort. I do usually try focus and act on all the things I could do to help myself,  and I know there is a big long list, but for the moment I’m just going to grit my teeth, hide a little, and ride it out.

I’m okay, just down, it happens and I know it will pass. While it’s not a fun place to be for the moment, I am grateful for having that perspective. Darkness doesn’t last forever, dawn always comes.

Hope you’re all taking good care of yourselves.

End of the road?

I have talked before about how lucky I have been to have been supported by a great ED service over the past while. I’ve had a wonderful GP who recently retired and had the most amazing nurse until she left. My current nurse is also great, although in a different way. I am at a healthy weight for me and have stayed the same for about 8 months now (guess that set point theory wasn’t nonsense after all!). I eat regularly and a wide variety. I’m still purging but it’s not as frequent or violent. I’m rarely binging. My appointments have been spread out to monthly and after this mornings session I’m wondering if I’ve come to the end of my road with this service.

I don’t think my nurse has any more to teach me and I don’t need the coaching that I used to. It’s not any reflection on her, just where we’re at together. It’s a positive thing. I am firmly on the road to recovery and maybe it’s time for me to try it without professional supports. I’ll still have my friends (both online and real world) and I also have a healthy body, a much calmer mind and a whole raft of skills to draw on as needed.

I started this blog when I was alone in my recovery as I couldn’t deal with the changes recovery brought. I’ve overcome this fear and taken the leaps that needed taking. I have a feeling now this is the next leap of faith to take.

I’ve an appt in 6 weeks so I’ll talk with my nurse then. If I still feel the same maybe I’ll ask to give it 3 months until next appt and then take it from there.

I’m ready for this and so amazed that I have made it to this point after so many years. Let me be an example that recovery is possible! Hurrah for ED free life!

Insomnia

I want to be asleep! I had a really early start and have another one tomorrow so sleep would be rather useful! 

I’ve tried everything in my sleep arsenal to help me have an eay night. I switched off screens 4 hours ago (until now!) I had a bubble bath. I’ve new sheets on the bed. I read. I’ve listened to a sleep meditation. I’ve eaten (and – if I’m honest- purged, but not enough to make me hungry). Only other thing I can think of is to write down all that’s in my head so here’s my effort at that:

  • Relationship worries (probably the main sleep block)
  • Printing I need to do at work tomorrow
  • Emails I need to send to colleagues
  • Make appt with bank
  • Make dentist appt
  • Make hairdresser appt (hardly big woes that should be keeping me awake!)
  • Guilt over not being in touch with a friend
  • Worry about nurse appt this week that I’m not in mood for and most definitely don’t want to be weighed
  • Book train tickets
  • Hoover car
  • Clearing computer to move desk
  • Work application deadline 

Hopefully that has helped! I should probably end with a ‘grateful list’ as that might change my mindset:

My boyfriend for listening to my concerns

  • My friend for giving good advice
  • The opportunity to do a job I love that provides potential for personal growth. 
  • The lovely people out there who make me feel less alone just when I need it.

Night all, sweet dreams.