Be still

I saw my physio today as my pain has worsened. I can barely walk without pain now. His estimation of recovery time is now a vague ‘weeks at the least’ and I am to stop all activity for 2 weeks to let my body tell me whats wrong.

No activity for two weeks.

You can imagine the reaction in my head. Outwardly I just fell silent. Well, after I got him to clarify that no activity mean only gentle walking without pain, not swimming, not yoga, not weights, not anything (I was desperately bargaining as you can imagine…)

He said to rest and be still.

I’m not sure I can. I mean, I can, but what happens with eating? Calories? Fat? what’s in and out? what’s burnt by being still? What will happen to my metabolism? My head has gone crazy with the numbers and worry. I replaced lunch with a coffee as I couldn’t figure it out. It shouldn’t be this hard. I know restricting will just lead to b/p-ing, but I’m petrified of binging as I know the purging won’t get rid of enough- I used exercise to do that. I lack the willpower now to restrict properly, so do I just accept the weight gain? Will I gain weight? Maybe I won’t? Will a few weeks make a difference? round and round the crazy voices go.

I just need to breathe. And do structured eating. And trust the process. And avoid the scale. And focus on my physical recovery. This is a bigger test than I was ready for. Sh*t.

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3 thoughts on “Be still

  1. 2 weeks, 14 days, you can do it and it won’t send you into body-expansion hell.. You are pretty much eating for your requirement so your body isn’t panicking about calories anymore. You are stable and even with 2 weeks of stillness you will remain stable. Whilst your body is repairing, you need to make sure you get the protein for damaged tissue and your body will be under stress. I know it’s devastating as for me my exercise also keeps me relatively sane with my eating disorder but I also know from bitter experience, not taking the recovery at its early stages can lead to chronic injury which keeps us out even longer.

    I also know you know all this, so defy the liar that is the eating disorder and trust and have faith in your rational mind that just wants to get well so a return to sporting form is sooner not later.

    You are brave, courageous and able. You’ve tackled the worst with your recovery from your ED, don’t let the bastard back in. Lots of love and healing wishes xxx

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  2. I echo ^^. Your body will know what to do with the calories, and rest is much needed at this point to help you repair from injury.

    But I also know how loud everything is in your head. Stay strong. You’ve got this.

    Liked by 1 person

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