The last few weeks have been a bit crazy and I haven’t really had the motivation to blog. I do now though (at 3am- thanks insomnia!) but there’s so much to say I don’t really know where to start so I thought I would just launch into something that came up today and see where it goes!
I have started seeing a new therapist and she is amazing. Totally knows her stuff, really able to challenge me but is also kind and empathetic at the same time. I do so much fighting against my ED and behaviours that when she acknowledged that it must get hard sometimes and I must be tired and fed up of it I burst into tears – it has been a long time since I felt anyone (outside of the blogging world!) has validated that for me. I know I need to keep fighting, but being able to just pause for a moment and go “actually it’s bit sh*t that I ended up with this illness” was really really nice.
I also feel so blessed to have been given another opportunity to work with someone so good. After quite a few false starts and some quite frankly terrible ‘professionals’ I have now been lucky enough to work with an two amazing GPs (one now retired, and my current one who is patient and helpful), a life-changing nurse (now retired), a not-as helpful but kept me going-nurse and now this lovely counsellor. I feel so grateful and yet so guilty at the same time. I wish everyone had access to the support they need – I know so many of you don’t and it’s just not fair. I’m trying to manage the guilt though- I wonder if I would feel the same if it was a physical illness- would I feel undeserving in the same way? It’s also about being ready to engage with the help though and be ready to make the changes needed- I met a girl who had seen my amazing first nurse and not found it helpful at all, but she admitted she wouldn’t have found anything helpful with how her mindset was at that time. Support services can help you try change that mindset, but they can’t do it for us, there has to be a bit of us that wants to reach out and grab their knowledge and support however hard it might be in order to make it work.
Part of my therapy this time (CBT-E approach, and actually cognitive behavioural therapy not a mismatch of random things with little structure) is to get back to implementing structured eating. I managed about 9 days of it and found it so helpful- I really see know how important it is- but then lost it a little so it was followed by 7 days of unstructured and chaotic eating. We identified yesterday that I have started to restrict again (it doesn’t feel like it to me- but I have lost a little weight and the voice is definitely active) so now I’m working on structured eating and making sure it’s enough, or as enough that I feel comfortable with for the moment. I can see it happening, the pendulum swinging back and forth between restriction and not purging, and regular eating and purging, but I’m still at a loss of how to stop it. I’ve got some small steps to be taking for the next two weeks though so we’ll see how that goes.
I’m hoping now I’ve done this brain dump I might be able to get some sleep! I hope you are all doing okay.