Quote Challenge

The lovely El from a different life included me in a three day quote challenge. Now, as I’m trying out the challenge of no challenges (see previous post on my destructive need to set challenges) I’m not going to fully participate, but I wanted to share one quote that’s been on my mind recently.

“After they had explored all the suns in the universe, and all the planets of all the suns, they realized that there was no other life in the universe, and that they were all alone.  And they were very happy, because then they knew it was up to them to become all the things they had imagined they would find”

It’s from the play 5th of July, but I came across it elsewhere athough I can’t remember where- it’s just in my quote notebook which is now about 20 years old!

I’ve been thinking about it recently as it makes me think that along the lines of me  exploring all the means of self destruction, and all the ways that I needed to prove I was good enough, and to have considered all the external influences, but to then realise that actually I am just who I am, and that I’m enough just as I am right now. This might not make sense, it’s hard to explain!

Anyway, I’d love to read what other quotes people have in their minds at the moment!

 

How am I bettering myself?

I was swimming last night a thought occurred to me (the pool is my thinking place!) about the concept of ‘bettering ourselves’.

The discourse we typically hear about bettering ourselves is one of improvement, attainment, success etc. I have followed this almost religiously for years without really realising it. 

I am always seeking to be better in this way. I got a degree, so then I got a masters, and now I’m doing a PhD. I became a health professional, then I wanted to become a specialist so I became a supervisor and now a lecturer- I just had to be better than what I was before. I took up running, so then I ran marathons, and then needed to beat certain times, and then do ultra marathons, just so I could show I was better at it somehow. I like to read, but I put pressure on myself to read ‘good quality’ books even if I don’t always enjoy them, as that makes me better. I make most my food from scratch but I get frustrated I’m not better at original recipes and the most creative (yet low calorie) baking. The list goes on and on, and of course leads to the fundamental ‘I need to be better at losing weight’ and we know where that ends. 

So while I was swimming the thought occurred to me ‘what would happen if I was just okay with where I am no?’ What if I accepted that I am right now as good as I need to be, and could I make myself feel that I’m as good as I want to be? Honestly this is quite the radical thought for me! What happens if I don’t chase PBs? What if I don’t work towards promotion? Would my world crumble? And the big one…what if I was okay with my body just as it is? How would my life look? 

I had a realisation that the only ‘bettering’ of myself that I need to be doing right now is getter better from ED. I need to better my brain and my body and that’s where I need to be putting my energy. I need to rephrase things to something like ‘am I wellness-ing myself by doing this?  Am I getting better in recovery by doing this? And if the answers not a definite yes then I need to pause and reevaluate.

 I don’t know if I’ll ever really stop being sometime who wants to be a high achiever, but I know that trying to do that isn’t sustainable if I want to be happy and ED free too. 

Lots to think about! 

What comes first? Nutrition or cognitive change?

So my session today went as well as could be expected. She said ‘you’re restricting’ I said yes, she said ‘it will lead to binge purging’ I said yes, she said ‘you need to get back to structured eating’ I said ‘yes’ she said you need to increase your carbs’ I said ‘yes’, she asked if I could do that, I said no. 

I know what I need to be doing but I can’t make myself do it. I told her I hated sessions like this as it’s just a waste of everyone’s time. I asked her could we do something else rather than just go back and forth on something I already know, and said no, that we need to get my weight and eating stable first. My goals are 3 meals 2 snacks a day – the same goals I’ve had since the beginning of time (well, ED recovery time!) and I’m fed up of it. 

If I could manage the stupid eating part then I wouldn’t need help with the rest would I? Maybe if I felt better about my body I wouldn’t restrict to try lose weight, but she says I have to maintain normal eating first. If I could handle stress better I might be able to stick to routine, but she says I have to be able to do routine before we address the stress.

I have complete faith in her that she is an excellent counsellor, highly trained and experienced when it comes to ED. I know she is the professional here, but I just don’t get this bit, and it ends up with me going round and round in circles.

If I have a ‘bad’ few weeks behaviour wise we just have short sessions, in and out, get back on track, but if I’m doing well she’ll move me forward. Maybe the idea is to give me support for doing well rather than ‘indulging’ me in behaviours and attitudes I know are negative. So if I want to move on I just show her a good food diary, but how do I get back on track with that?

Argh, I’m stuck stuck stuck tonight. Would love to hear other people’s experiences of CBT style approaches and whether this sounds familiar?

I’m back, and so is ED

I had the most amazing holiday. It was full of wonderful adventures and lots of laughter, and practically zero eating disorder behaviours. I knew I would gain a little weight but I went with it and I was rewarded with a wonderful time.

I came back super relaxed and very determined to keep up the good work with structured eating and no purging. I even started to challenge my exercise needs as I had twisted my ankle while on holiday so couldn’t do much. 

Like an avalanche over the last few weeks though things have slid. Work and uni have been crazy. I’ve been doing 12 hour days and food has just not been a priority. I’ve enjoyed feeling empty and have been go go go.

Inevitably I crashed and haven’t been out of bed since Saturday. I don’t want to face the world. I’m tearful and overwhelmed and stressed. I’m dreading facing into another winter like this. I binged yesterday, my first time in weeks, not surprising with the restriction, but I didn’t even try challenge it. 

I have shown I can be well on the road to recovery when life is not stressful, but once stress hits I crumble. Life is going to have stressors (and most of mine are self-made such a choosing to do a PhD!) so I need to learn to cope.

I have a counsellor appointment today so hopefully that will provide me with the push I need to get back on track, and hopefully I’ll be back writing, it really does help once I can make myself do it!