I had a review meeting with my counsellor today. I haven’t seen her for three months as I had gotten stuck and needed a break. I needed to stop pushing forward for a little while- I wasn’t dealing well with the weight gain, I was absolutely fed up of monitoring my intake and I was just generally stuck. So I had a break, and used the time to lose just enough to get me back into a safe zone. A classic ED move that I keep falling for over and over again. Add in a excessively large dollop of stress (two and a half jobs and final year phd will do that to you) and my mood plummeted and the binging and purging has started again.
It was excruciatingly embarrassing having to admit that I was binging again to her. It is the bit of my ED that I hate the most. It sets off the old repeated record that I am weak, fat and can’t do restriction properly. Most days the only thing I really want is to just get really skinny one time, one time enough for people to notice and worry and take action, and after that I could move on. What a sad sad goal. I just get stuck on the fact that when I first got ill I lost a lot of weight, but because I started at a higher weight, it wasn’t really picked up. So, if I hadn’t been fat, I would have been thin enough, so being fat when I was younger was the problem and has stayed the problem every since. Even when I’m drastically restricting I don’t lose weight in the way others might. I should be thankful to my body for this, but I just feel it let me down. All I really want is to be properly anorexic and it seems to be the only thing I can’t achieve. I recognise this is an awful thought, and I recognise how awful it is for people with anorexia, but I get so much of the sh*t of an ED without the only bit I really wanted, being thin. I’m going to submit my PhD this year and I know that while most people think it’s an achievement but most days it means nothing to me, and I would happily trade it for weight loss.
So that’s my sad confession for the night. Yes, I feel completely ashamed by it, but it is the truth, and I honestly don’t know what it will take for me to move on from feeling like a failed anorexic.