I’m tearful and sad today – I have too much in my brain and too much in my heart going on and that coupled with a disrupted routine, being away from home, lack of sleep, weight gain and IBS and I am done in.
I know it will pass, I trust that now, but it doesn’t stop the down days sucking and the fact that this has come while I’m on holidays and meant to be re-booting for the year ahead is not helping (although I’m aware the pressure I have on using these holidays to ‘re-boot’ is a factor). I’m just feeling very alone in the darkness even though I have amazing support, it’s too hard to explain. I’m also very guilty for feeling down even though I have a truly wonderful life. I don’t want to feel like this and I’m frustrated that I can’t make it go away.
I am trying though – I know making an effort helps so even though my instinct was saying ‘roll in a ball and hide in the cupboard’ I have ignored this (mainly because I’m not alone to do this!) and done the following:
- went for a non-timed run in the sun this morning
- stopped at the top of the hill and sat trying to be mindful (bit hit and miss!)
- texted a friend to tell her what was going on
- ate a proper lunch
- saw some poetry and comedy to distract myself (the festival is a wonderful place for that!)
- ditched evening plans with the boyfriend to come home and get early night
- blogged so that I can get my thoughts down before trying to sleep
None of these things cured me, but I reckon I would be feeling far worse if I haven’t tried them I’ve also engaged in some far less helpful behaviours which made me feel better temporarily but then far worse, but let’s not concentrate on them for the moment. I think I could really do with a good cry but I need time and space alone to do that and I just don’t have that at the moment. I really really really miss living on my own.
I wish I could just press pause so I could roll up in the cupboard and cry, but life is too smart for that so will continue around me waiting for me to join in again. Thanks for listening.