Sustainability and my eating disorder

In my non-ED world I am really trying to make an effort with considering the sustainability of the planet. I have successfully avoided single use coffee cups for nearly a year now, I generally avoid single use plastic bottles (the occasional bottle of diet coke sneaks in..,), I shop at a fruit and veg store to avoid plastic at supermarkets, I refill cleaning products at a zero waste shop and for my sins I have even experimented with menstrual cups (although they’re not quite yet my friend).

When it comes to my ED though I am at odds with these values. A binge is so wasteful, both for the obvious reason of ingesting food just to throw up, but also because of all the packaging, I am definitely not making decisions about what to buy based on reduced packaging, and once the binge is over I have to face the waste around me which just adds to the guilt.

This is relevant for when I’m in restriction mode also: I end up wanting to buy pre packaged ‘safe foods’ and single serve portions as I am afraid of larger sizes. I buy food and then don’t use it so it gets wasted (although I do try to freeze but it’s not always possible).

My ED conflicts with so many of my values; sustainability is just one of them. Unfortunately this just adds to my guilt and shame, which then increases need for ED behaviour to deal with negative feelings (‘cos yeah, haven’t mastered how to do this otherwise) and on goes this dreadful cycle. But there is a way out, I’ve figured it out before, and I just need to channel my concern about waste to make better choices. First step is admitting it – so here it is!

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Some days I could really do without having an eating disorder

Today is one of those days.

I have taken a a day’s leave to work on my PhD, which I guess actually is point one. If I hadn’t have needed to take a period of leave to pause my PhD while ill a few years ago I would still have PhD funding and not be working full-time while I try finish (PhD students can’t access sick pay- you can imagine how well that works given the high rate of mental health difficulties in postgrad students – insert eye roll emoji here…), which would mean I wasn’t using holiday time intended for resting working on my project of doom.

I had a counselling appointment this morning and obviously while I am incredibly and eternally grateful for being able to access services through the university (one up side of student life I guess), it is an hour out of the small amount of time I have to work.

I then came out of the session feeling exhausted, sad and frustrated. I’m doing so well in lots of ways, I really am firmly on the road to recovery, but I am still using behaviours every now and again and it’s painful to unpick them and figure out what happened and what I could have done differently. And when the words ‘that’s just self-control and I can’t help with that’ get spoken in a conversation about eating too many chocolates, you know I’m going to be left feeling sh*t for the rest of the day and definitely need a post-counselling moment in the bathroom to regroup and make it look like I haven’t been crying before I go into the office.

Then I arrive at the office and I’m faced with my snack. To eat or not to eat? Surely if I need to develop self-control I should be practising not eating, but the rational bit of brain knows that probably wasn’t the intended outcome, and certainly not about carrot sticks. So I eat the damn carrot sticks, and then feel cr*p that 30 mins later I’m already hungry again and it’s nowhere near lunchtime.

So, 5 hours from waking I’m already feeling a but defeated and sad and I haven’t even started on PhD work yet, which is also a guaranteed activity to make me feel awful about myself.

Somedays I could really do without having an eating disorder. I could do without the mental drain that it entails and the effort involved in staying well. I could do with the over thinking and the looped thoughts of food, body, exercise, willpower, weakness, shame. So much shame. Sometimes I just want to feel p*ssed off that I ever got this illness.

But I also know the only way out is through, so I have to keep on going through this to get to the point of not having an eating disorder. So I will keep on keeping on. But sometimes I just need to allow myself a little rant! So here it is!

Bridesmaid take 6

I am bridesmaid for a friend tomorrow. It will be my 6th time being bridesmaid which when I’ve been ill has been variations of nightmares, but this time it feels different.

I got the dress 4 months ago and it was loose on me. I debated the smaller size but I knew I was gaining and was afraid so I bought it to ‘grow in to’ and take in as necessary. It just about fits now, it’s tight around my rib cage but does zip up. Really it’s fine, I just prefer slightly too big clothes in general. I only just tried it on at the weekend as I didn’t really want to know if it was too small (hello denial).

So the dress fits and with that comes lots of emotions about having gained weight. The funny thing is though is that I am far less anxious about this wedding than any previous ones. So what if my arms are larger than I want them to be? So what if people notice the weight gain? There are more important things in my life now.

My counsellor asked me to bring my plan for how I was going to cope with food while away and honestly I hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t thought about it. Previously it was all I could think about! But she’s right that I need to be mindful and to plan ahead as I still need that structure.

So I prepped my meals for travelling today but tomorrow I’m planning on eating a sensible hotel breakfast, getting something for lunch as ceremony not until 2, then having canapés when served (getting some crisps (!) from bar if no veggie options) then starter and some of main course of wedding meal (depending on size and what it is) with a sandwich at the dancing break (wedding will go on until wee hours, night snack will be needed!). I may have some dessert if I feel safe, and will factor in a couple of glasses of wine.

I know planning seems a bit anti-fun and at some point I want to be able to just roll with it, but in order to set myself up to be able to avoid behaviours this is just where I’m at. Being sensible with this means freeing up brain space for enjoying the rest of the day.

I’m cautiously optimistic that I might actually get through a wedding weekend with no behaviours and no tears- watch this space!

Recovery and regular size bananas

So yesterday I was in the supermarket and I picked up two bananas and thought, hmm they’re a bit small, so broke off a larger two from another bunch and put them in my basket.

As I put them in my basket I had a flash of amazement. Let me tell you why…

For years banana was a no go fruit. It didn’t even go in the ‘fruit’ category in my crazy food system.

Then slowly I started introducing them and spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about them.

Gradually they became a core feature of my diet and I ate them everyday without panic.

Then I got challenged to eating two of them in a day e.g. one for breakfast and then again for snack and it seemed like the most ridiculous idea anyone had ever come up with. But eventually I tried it, and if needs be, I can do it.

While I thought I had cracked the banana drama, it then became apparent I had banana size issues in that I always had to pick the smallest bananas available, and that I had a banana size limit and would walk away without them if they I deemed them too large. Along with this I realised I had a rule about never breaking up bunches of bananas to get the number I needed, so my generally-managed OCD got a look in too.

So I tackled these rules too and without really noticing, bananas lost their status and their power over me.

They became a food that I sometimes like to eat, that fill me up (if of a decent size) and are yummy and versatile.

So yesterday my sane self looked at some bananas and thought ‘they’re not enough for me’ and put other ones in my basket. I am not less of a person because I chose larger ones. I am not weak because I get hungry. I AM making a good stab at recovery. I HAVE come on more than I ever thought possible. I am just a girl buying bananas and getting on with her lovely life.

Driving with my button open

I bought new jeans last week and today is my second time wearing them. After about 20 minutes in the car I could feel the waistband pinching in to me so I opened the top button to give my belly a bit of room. My first feeling about this was disgust, that I have gained so much weight that now my jeans are too tight for me. That I’m a worthless, useless human being who just can’t keep her weight in check. These are the same brand of jean I’ve worn for the past few years so it’s not the jeans, it’s just me and my ginormous horrible belly.

Thirty minutes later with a coffee, and some time to reflect, I’m kind of laughing at myself. So what if my jeans are a bit tight? In this moment I only have a couple of options – one, deal with it and open my button when they’re feeling too tight – two, wait and see if they loosen out a little after a few wears – three, accept that I need to buy a bigger size and buy it now and suck up the wasted money or four- keep getting upset about it and let a stupid jean button dictate my life.

What a crappy option number four is. My life is far to big and full for that kind of attitude now. Who cares if I open my button when I need to? (don’t worry, modesty wise I have a long t-shirt on!) Who cares if I wear a size bigger? I want to be the type of person who accepts their body for what it is and doesn’t buy into the thin ideal. I want to show other women and girls that any body is okay, that size does not equate to worth. I can’t do that if I’m crying in my car about my top button being open.

So I’m going for option one today and in time might consider buying the next size up if needed – this feels terrifying to me – but it is a sensible solution to what is really a small problem in the grand scheme of life. Like seriously, do I want to live a life where I have to blog about the size of my jeans?!

Still learning…

 

 

 

Where I’m at

I need to break the block of writing here again so here is a list of random thoughts that are not really intended for anyone to read.

  • I gained weight to the highest amount I have ever been and I cannot cope with it. I am at a healthy weight but I can’t bear to look at myself and feeling myself in this body brings me to tears or self-harm frequently.
  • I cancelled an appointment with my counsellor two months ago and haven’t been able to bring myself to reschedule as I didn’t feel like she really understood the pain I felt at being this weight.
  • I followed this with three weeks of full on bulimia i.e. planned binges, repeated binge-purging. It felt liberating and to be honest, enjoyable, until suddenly it was not and I stated cancelling plans, got quite sick and cracked two teeth in the process.
  • I am now in the process of getting back on my meal plan and trying to acknowledge binge urges and see them just as neurological junk.
  • I would like to lose weight but it is not happening and I am trying to not fall apart due to this.
  • I have come off my anti-depressants with the help of my doctor as I felt they were making me apathetic and were no longer helping with the mood or the binge-purging anyway. I’m pleased with this decision as while I am a bit more tearful I am also being more pro-active about using other strategies to support my mood.
  • I was in a new relationship and things were all going well and we were making plans, then last week he suddenly decided he wanted a break as I didn’t have enough time for him. I’m really sad by this, but equally I can’t magic more time out of thin air and have to look after myself too.
  • I stopped running over winter as part of tackling my exercise compulsion, but in hindsight it led to quite a low mood over the winter and I won’t be experimenting with that again. It also contributed to the weight gain so you can imagine how I feel about that. I am back running now but I’m slow and unfit so currently trying to deal with the voices in my head about that.
  • I started a new job and it is great. I am still doing my PhD and that is not great.

So overall a mixed bag, lots of negative re: ED and mood, but I am present and engaged and taking ownership of it, and importantly I know I will be okay, and that bit of hope is enough to keep me swimming, however hard it might be.

“The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it” 

Woodrow T. Wilson

Sorry for the smell

TMI beware!

After thinking long and hard about the type of awareness that is important in relation EDs I have concluded that acknowledging the wind/gas issue is one of my priorities!

I’m getting back to regular eating after a bit of a blip (I let jars back into my life and have pretty much eaten toast and PB/jam/marmalade for most meals for a few weeks) and my stomach/bowels are not happy with me. I’m trying really hard to be positive but the stinkiness is trying its best to ruin my day.

I would like to apologise to all the people in my real world who have had to suffer the smells with me. I have no control over it. It sucks. It is one of the rough bits of recovery no one talks about.

So here’s my awareness raising – I’m pretty much farting my way to recovery, and yes it’s gross but I am trying not to be ashamed of it!

(But if anyone has any tips that don’t involve changing my diet please share!)