Keeping going

Things have been going fairly well the last while. I’ve reduced purging to 1-2 week, have binged just once in the last fortnight and have been eating regularly.

However I know I’ve put on weight and I’m kind of struggling to deal with it. I understand now that trying to lose ‘just enough until I feel better’ is ridiculous but the constant nattering of that voice in my head is tiring. I haven’t weighed myself in 10 days so it’s not even a fixation on a number, it’s just me feeling a bit ‘bleurgh’ in my skin.

I know I just need to grit my teeth and keep going, but it’s tiring sometimes.

Okay, moan over. On the more positive side I’ve being doing a yoga class with my friend and have been loving it, work is crazy busy but I’m thriving on it and the evenings are slowly becoming brighter. It’s not all gloom and doom!

Weighing anxiety

I’m due to see my ED nurse at the end of next week and I am already anxious about being weighed.

I know I’ve put on weight and I know I’m at a normal bmi so I really don’t see the necessity of getting on a scale we can both stare at those horrible numbers.

However I also know that I in the past when I’ve refused to be weighed I have lost weight so I can see why she wouldn’t trust me. I’m aware the level of anxiety around weighing is a sign ED is alive and well in me. I also know that they keep detailed records so they can rigorously evaluate the programme so they can show evidence for its success and continue to receive funding. I’m also confident my nurse wouldn’t make me do anything she didn’t think was good for me.

Despite all this though I woke up at 5am panicking about getting on the scales next week and wondering if I should just cut down a little but so the numbers won’t be so horrific. It’a going to stress me out all week.

Sigh, why is it that what I weigh can mean so much to me?

A planned lapse- the aftermath

I have been away staying with family this week and although I had a lovely time, and managed to keep on track ed-wise, I could feel the need to binge bubbling up over the last few days. I made a deal with myself that if I stayed on track for the days that were necessary then I could b/p when I got home.

Planning a b/p seems a little strange, but I have read about this in the ED literature before, with the rationale that if you are going to ‘lapse’ then being mindful while doing it at least provides an opportunity to learn.Obviously not b/p at all would be better but I just knew I wasn’t strong enough to resist so I thought this would be an interesting experiment. (more…)

Behaviour-free day at home

My appointment with my nurse got cancelled this morning so I decided to spend the day at home as I didn’t need to be out and about.

I had the house to myself and a while ago this would have resulted in at least one episode of b/p, and most likely a continuous stream of it throughout the day. Today though I managed to fight it, and while the day’s not quite over I’m nicely full from dinner and I’m feeling fine about the couple of hours before bed.


Monday blues

I just purged as I ate chocolate after my lunch. I did yesterday as well, as I felt like I’d eaten too big a lunch (a restaurant sized jacket potato) but hadn’t done any exercise.

These are silly little lapses, and I cannot let the habit of purging everything (i.e. snacks and meals, in addition to binges) become a habit again. I feel like as soon as I try to address one part of my ED it morphs into another form for me to deal with.

I think I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself, ED recovery is just so hard sometimes, I needed a little moan!

Seeing ED nurse tomorrow for quick 5 min check in so hopefully that can get me back on track.

Hope you’re all having a better Monday!

I wasn’t happy then

I’m having a fat day. A feeling fat day, bleurgh (and despite what they say, fat is a feeling!)

All this eating and trying to feel okay about it is hard sometimes and every now and again I like to think that maybe losing a little weight would help, that I would just feel a bit better in myself. If I could just get back to X weight then things would be a lot better and I would be happier.

But here’s the thing: I was that weight last year. And I was miserable. And not just a bit tired and cold from not eating enough miserable, but full on depressed, suicidal, not leaving the house, endless crying, self-harming, on leave from uni, curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing miserable. I was thinner, that’s a fact, but I was also in a horrible mental state.

I do still have a longing to be thinner but my strategy now is to try to notice that thought, identify it as the  ‘I want to be thinner’ thought, allow myself a few moments to picture a bony body and then tell myself (out loud if no-one is around!) ‘but I wasn’t happy then’.

I wasn’t happy then, so why would I want to go back?