January

January is nearly done. Given the break-up before Christmas, the fact that it is usually a mad month in both my jobs and the dark nights,  I was kind of dreading this month. However now it’s nearly done, on reflection it has been okay, and even lovely in places in fact. Sometimes it’s worth stopping to notice the details to realise that the picture might look different that you were expecting.

  • I’m living on my own and have moved furniture around and done a big spring clean to make it feel like my home.
  • I have nearly got through all the work due, and I didn’t put my life on hold to get it done. I’m doing my best with this ‘balance’ thing!
  • I have been running regularly with my run friends and I’m so grateful for both my body and my fabulous life-saving friends. I am injury-free and determined to stay that way by not pushing too hard.
  • I am ‘in recovery from my eating disorder’. I saw my counsellor last week and yes while there have been blips (thank you everyone who helped me see these were just blips) I have taken some positive steps to stay well through this time of change and my counsellor helped me recognise these thing and feel proud of them. I didn’t balk when she described me as being ‘in recovery’. I AM in recovery, and that’s the goal, whatever ED is shouting at me.
  • I have put boundaries in place for people that, at the moment, are more draining than I can manage right now. It still feels selfish, but it also feels empowering to do it, and it means that I can get on with the thing above that help me get back to a place where I can help others.
  • Sleep has still be terrible but I am being strict with sleep hygiene and as work stress has reduced sleep has gone up- I slept 7 hours straight last night – hurrah! I feel like a new woman!
  • I’ve been doing ‘being an adult’ and have sorted bills and stuff like that – it was very tempting to procrastinate and hide from this but I didn’t and I feel so much better for it. “If you can’t get out of it, get into it”
  • I have been reading lots and lots: a mix of fiction and popular psychology stuff, and really enjoying it, I am really loving having  (making) time to just chill with a book, and it makes me feel so much better than mindlessly watching things on the laptop.

Okay that’s probably enough for now! This was probably a bit boring for others to read but it was helpful for me to write! Hope you are all doing okay.

Not as easy as I thought

So I am back in my real life after Christmas and I am living on my own. 

It’s been 3 days and I have purged, well, 3 of those 3 days. I haven’t binged, but I’ve definitely overeaten once I’ve given into the fact that I knew I would purge. 

I have been doing so well in my recovery that I really thought I would cope with living on my own. I thought I was not purging because I was in control, not just because I didn’t have an opportunity. I’m really hoping that this is just a blip and I haven’t been wrong about this. 

I have insight, I have skills, I should not be purging daily. Maybe it’s just all the changes and transition of the last few days. Maybe when I get my routine back in place I’ll be able to address the food stuff. In fact, it can’t be a maybe – I will get back on track. I don’t want this ill life for myself, I’ve been here before and I know the misery. There is far more to life than this.

I’m really hoping I can do this, I’m scared that this blip will stretch on and on, and that I won’t cope being on my own. 

I just need to remember one step at a time, one day at a time. Regular meals. Fresh air. Mindfulness. Writing. Reaching out. Sleeping. That all needs to be my priority now. 

I’m scared, but I know I can do this. It’s just not quite as easy as I thought. 

Alone tonight, but not in life

I’m seeing the new year in on my own tonight. I am at my Mum’s and I have the house to myself and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend this new year’s eve. I am unexpectedly single, but doing okay with that. As time passes I feel like the dust is settling and I’m liking the picture of me that is emerging from it all.

I’ve spent quite a lot of new years eves on my own as it’s not a night I typically enjoy. I had far too many drunken nights as a teenager/young adult that would end in tears because a new year didn’t mean a fresh start for me, it meant another year of my eating disorder and depression. I  have had some fab ones though, with some special ones in Sydney, Wanaka (NZ) and Madrid. Seems I enjoy them more when abroad! But when I’m at home I like being just at home and enjoying the evening myself without the weight of social expectation. However, if I’m honest some of those evenings spent alone were lonely and a little sad.

This year however I am completely confident that while I’m alone right now, I’m not alone in life. I have a wonderful family looking out for me, a ton of fabulous friends who let me cry and then make me laugh. I have a couple of professionals who are keeping me on track. I have bloggers out there in the web (yes, you!) who read my words and send me hope through theirs. Being honest with people about all the crazy in my head was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but yet it has resulted in the most rewarding and beautiful consequences. It is so freeing to be myself, mental illnesses and all. And recovery and self care and all those other efforts continue to this freedom.

So while I’m alone tonight I’m definitely not alone. And if I convince even one of you reading who are keeping their demons to themselves tonight to even consider reaching out, that might be the best new years eve ever.

Goodbye 2016, hello 2017, here’s to another year of living. x