Noticing progress in the strangest things

So, last night was a bit rough!

I’ve felt under the weather all week, my IBS has been playing up and then I had a meal out with a friend last night and it just tipped me over the edge. I barely made it into my car before I started crying, I got home and purged my dinner and then all I could see was flab and fat and bloating and I felt just awful.

I wanted out of my body and I really really wanted to self harm. At the same time though I really didn’t want to have to deal with hiding cuts and scars from my boyfriend, and all the other nastiness that comes with self-harming. Instead, I took my rage out on my blog, hence the fat rant last night.

So while it was a bit of a negative post, for me it was in fact progress that I took it out on my screen instead of on myself. I cried myself to sleep and this morning I woke up so relieved I hadn’t cut. I went for an early (chilly- winter is coming!) run and that cleared my head a little. I am still horribly bloated and cramping but I know it will pass.

One step back, one step forward…somedays I guess we just need to hang on tight and hope for the best.

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Fat Fat Fat

Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat  fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat that’s all I can see and feel. I was kidding myself that things were better like this. I want out of this body. fat fat fat fat fat

A difficult conversation

I’ve realised that I’m going to have to have a difficult conversation with a friend and it’s kind of stressing me out!

I won’t write too much about it here but I’m getting concerned that she’s becoming too focused on health eating and fitness. I’m a little worried for her in terms of her health but I also am starting to find the increase in conversations about this kind of stuff hard for me.

We know each other through sport so a lot of our mutual topics are around fitness but it’s starting to focus far more on food and body. She wants to discuss the merits of sugar free recipes and increase in strength reps etc. etc. but I just cannot keep getting engaged in that kind of talk. If I let that kind of talk into my life again I’m afraid it will just grow and grow and eventually morph into attempts to lose weight leading to restriction and more eating disordered behaviours. I would love to lose weight, tone up etc. but to do so means making a far bigger choice about how to live my life and I know how that story goes. It’s not fun.

I don’t want to lose this friendship but I don’t want to keep having conversations like this, I’m not firm enough in recovery to cope with it yet. I do keep repeating ‘everything in moderation’ ‘rest days are important’ ‘everyone’s bodies are different’ etc. but I think I’m at the point now that I want to explain why these conversations aren’t good for me. I also want to make sure that she is really okay and that I’m there to support her if not.

If it was just about offering her support I think it would be easier, but I do think it’s important that I say it for me also, even if that sounds a bit selfish. I need to value my recovery and sometimes that means putting these kind of boundaries in place. Eek! Scary and difficult but important I think.

The marathon that wasn’t 

I was meant to be running a marathon today. I signed up about 5 months ago after much deliberation about whether it was a good idea. I was in a fairly good place in terms of ED recovery and I thought it would be good motivation to stop purging as that had worked the previous year. I also figured it would be easy enough to knock out the training as I’m fairly active in the summer anyway.

But then the friend I was racing it with got injured and had to pull out, I realised I’d be on holidays during my heaviest training weeks and I was starting to miss out on other fun stuff due to training commitments. It just started to seem like not so good an idea, but I had already signed up so pulling out wasn’t an option as I didn’t want to not follow through. I didn’t want people to think I was weak and that I can’t manage a zillion things at once. I felt like dropping out would mean admitting I’m fat and lazy. I thought I would just beat myself up about it all summer.

After a good heart to heart with myself I realised that deep down I didn’t want to do it, and that actually it would take more strength for me to say no than it would to plough through it. I realised that self-care is not the same as weakness.

So the day has come and do I regret pulling out? No! Not a bit! I had a lovely trail run with a friend this morning now I’m having a lazy lunch with the boy before meeting my sister for a movie. Bliss.

Sometimes it takes strength to do what we want to do rather than what we should do but it’s important to be true to ourselves- that’s my lesson from this experience anyway!

If you can’t get out of it, get into it

I’ve been a bit tired and grumpy today. I was disorganised this morning so was a bit rushed getting to work, then I had to do some computer stuff which just failed so was a waste of an hour and then I completely forgot a work training session I was meant to be at this afternoon – one of those days. All through that I’ve had some admin to do that is due on Friday that I am procrastinating from I avoided it Monday and yesterday and I can feel the anxiety building up about it.

I am a total procrastinator. It is the biggest source of stress for me typically but it is something I have worked so hard on the last few years that it doesn’t often get the better of me anymore, but I have definitely fallen foul of it the last week.

But! I finally pulled myself together this afternoon and took myself off to the library. It’s lovely and peaceful here and I’ve got about a third of way through my work- totally worth working late as I’m back on track for getting finished. The anxiety about it is easing already. Going to head home now and watch bake off on iplayer guilt free!

As the saying goes, if you can’t get out of it, get into it!

procrastination

Eating enough is necessary for sleep!

I went to bed hungry last night. I’d been for a run and then had dinner after but was still feeling a little hungry when I went to sleep. I debated getting up for a snack but wasn’t sure if I was actually hungry enough for it, and eating just before sleeping is still a little hard, so I ignored it and went to sleep.

Four hours later it’s 3.30 am and I am wide awake and cannot get back to sleep. I’ve gotten up to have a cup of tea and a slice of toast as I know that will help. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get back to sleep now (I can’t find my phone and can’t look properly as the boy is still asleep so I can’t use my trusty sleep app :/)  and I know I’m going to be exhausted later on.

When I was restricting waking up super early was part of parcel of my life and I used to like it as I would get so much done before the world wakes up – but now I’m more calm and stable it’s just a pain now! I want to be asleep!

So, lesson learnt, eating is refuelling, and my body needs fuel to sleep.

sleep

If it’s not about weight what is it about?

I’m at my set point. I’m okay with being here. I know I can’t try to lose weight and I’m doing okay with resisting that. I’m eating enough, I’m not hungry and I’m not depriving myself.

So why am I still purging? I’m overeating sometimes and can’t deal with feeling full, but other times I’m eating or drinking just to feel full enough to purge. I’m not trying to undo the calories and I’m sometimes only throwing up ‘a little’ (rather than trying to empty my stomach) but I’m doing this either every day, or every second or third day which is enough to make feel a bit crap at times.

I feel like I’m so close to recovered in so many aspects, but how can I declare I’m recovered if I’m still purging on a regular basis?

If anyone has any insights I would be so grateful!