Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve been here. Every time I think about writing, I think about how I would have to explain the last 18 months, so I don’t write. So instead today I’m just going to start with now.
Today was a bad day. Not surprising that it’s a bad day to bring me back to my safe space here I guess. I took out a coat I haven’t warn in a couple of years to wear and it didn’t fit. That’s happened a lot over the last year particularly, but this one threw me more than the others. It wasn’t a small size, it was always a ‘bigger coat’ but my upper arm was just stuck and squished in it. I have a long, complicated, destructive relationship with my arms (basically, I hate them, but no matter what I did they would never change) and this felt like the straw to break the camels back on top of a few rough things going on right now. I tried on another coat – fit but with a squeeze. I really just didn’t want to be dealing with the fat issue today.
Sensible rational me knows that I just need to get rid of these coats, like I have gotten rid of nearly all of my clothes over the past year or so. I am absolutely a size, or possibly more, larger than I was before lockdown, and that is a size larger than I was the year before lockdown. I get rid of clothes that don’t fit and I move on with my life. I know I will do that, but today I just need to throw a little hissy fit about it and let it all out.
I am more recovered than I have ever been. In fact, I’d say I’m possibly fully recovered, or maybe 99% with a very small quiet ED voice that peeps up every now and again, that I mainly ignore as there is no place in my life for it. I’m certainly a success story compared to my past self. I very rarely act on any of my ED thoughts, which in a way makes days like today harder, because I think it would be easier to channel my upset at the coat saga into a Grand Mission To Lose Weight And Make My Life Better, but instead I have to sit with them and put up with being the size that I am. And that sucks some days. And it’s exhausting and annoying to still be managing this years down the line. But manage it I will. Because life beyond my ED has been (for the most part- because nothing’s ever perfect) beautiful.
So I’ll have a cry and remind myself that my body is doing what it’s going to do and that fighting it got me nowhere, but giving up got me here, and here is full of joy, if I accept it just comes in a larger coat size.