I am bridesmaid for a friend tomorrow. It will be my 6th time being bridesmaid which when I’ve been ill has been variations of nightmares, but this time it feels different.
I got the dress 4 months ago and it was loose on me. I debated the smaller size but I knew I was gaining and was afraid so I bought it to ‘grow in to’ and take in as necessary. It just about fits now, it’s tight around my rib cage but does zip up. Really it’s fine, I just prefer slightly too big clothes in general. I only just tried it on at the weekend as I didn’t really want to know if it was too small (hello denial).
So the dress fits and with that comes lots of emotions about having gained weight. The funny thing is though is that I am far less anxious about this wedding than any previous ones. So what if my arms are larger than I want them to be? So what if people notice the weight gain? There are more important things in my life now.
My counsellor asked me to bring my plan for how I was going to cope with food while away and honestly I hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t thought about it. Previously it was all I could think about! But she’s right that I need to be mindful and to plan ahead as I still need that structure.
So I prepped my meals for travelling today but tomorrow I’m planning on eating a sensible hotel breakfast, getting something for lunch as ceremony not until 2, then having canapés when served (getting some crisps (!) from bar if no veggie options) then starter and some of main course of wedding meal (depending on size and what it is) with a sandwich at the dancing break (wedding will go on until wee hours, night snack will be needed!). I may have some dessert if I feel safe, and will factor in a couple of glasses of wine.
I know planning seems a bit anti-fun and at some point I want to be able to just roll with it, but in order to set myself up to be able to avoid behaviours this is just where I’m at. Being sensible with this means freeing up brain space for enjoying the rest of the day.
I’m cautiously optimistic that I might actually get through a wedding weekend with no behaviours and no tears- watch this space!