So it turns out commitment isn’t enough in the end. I tried my best. I really did, I promise I’m not lying to myself or the world out there when I say that. I ate all the scary things and broke all my rules. I’ve done it day in and day out for the last 7 weeks. I’ve gained a little weight and didn’t freak out about it. I caught myself body checking nearly every time and talked myself out of it. I’ve kept my food diaries and attended my appointments.
But, and this is what it comes down to, I purged three weeks ago once, then again once last week, now this week twice. My therapist was flexible the first two weeks it happened because she could see how hard I was trying but if it happened this week then game over, treatment is done. Its officially not effective for me so there’s no point in me still attending. I will be discharged and that’s it. That’s the way the treatment approach works, that what makes it effective apparently. I’ve had my chances, and I have been very fortunate with all the help I have been offered, I know how lucky I am. But the reality is that the treatment available hasn’t worked for me and I have to accept that now.
I can sound rational about it but inside I’m petrified. When I first sought help my greatest fear was that I would reach out and it wouldn’t make a difference, and in some ways that fear is coming true. But in other ways that’s not actually what’s happened. My life is so much better for the treatment I have received: I am so much more open about my difficulties. My dark little world has lots of wonderful chinks of light in when I look for them. My weight is relatively stable and for the possibly the first time since I was 9 I am not trying to lose weight. I can skip a run when I don’t feel like going. I can keep most foods in my house without binging on them (still not 100% there but so much better), I can eat in restaurants or in others’ houses without purging. I can drink an iced coffee and trust the world won’t end! had an ice cream in the sun last week and didn’t cry! Miracles are happening!
I could lie tomorrow at my session and say nothing happened, that I didn’t use behaviours. Believe me I am tempted to do that, but really what would I gain from that? And I respect my therapist too much to abuse the service in that way. The reality is that the best evidence based treatment there is out there has not worked, and so continuing is just wasting resources that could be spent on someone who does respond to it. I have made so much progress, but I am still purging on a regular basis and maybe now I need to take stock of where I am, make sure I don’t slip backwards, but also accept that maybe this will be a part of my life forever. I can keep fighting to maintain the progress I’ve made, but I think I’m too tired and too beaten to keep trying and failing with getting rid of behaviours completely.
Maybe this will change in the future. Maybe I’ll be ready to try again on my own. I’m not discounting the possibility of full recovery for me, but I can accept that the conditions of the treatment available is to stop purging and I haven’t been able to do that. So I will be honest tomorrow, and I will accept the consequences of failing at treatment for now. But if stop for a moment, close my eyes and take a breath I can find peace with this. I can be okay. I will be okay.