Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge
My boyfriend has gone out so I have an unexpected hour to myself – first thought in my head? Oooo I can purge! This is what I was discussing with my nurse last week- that I see purging as some kind of a treat for myself. I wasn’t sure then if it was the purging or the binging that was really the treat. I desperately didn’t want it to be the binging as that would equate to being a greedy fat pig whereas if it was all about the purging it would equate to- well I’m not sure really, but in my head something less worse than it being about wanting to eat.
Anyway, this evening I am definitely thinking about purging- there is nothing I want to eat but I just had some PB, banana on toast so could throw that up- even though it was totally within my ‘food plan’ and I wasn’t worried about it. When you stop and think about it- it is kind of weird that I want to purge just for the ‘fun of it’. We all know it’s not fun, and that the small moment of satisfaction is far outweighed by the feelings of crap that come with it. So I am trying my very best to stay in the moment and figure out what I’m really thinking and if I can use that to re-route myself to a path that doesn’t end up at the toilet.
I’ve had a good day so I don’t think it’s about that. I could have gone to yoga at 6 but I decided to skip it so I could get housework done and pack for the bank holiday weekend – maybe I’m feeling guilty about that? For sure though going to yoga would be a better use of an hour than purging!I’ve got a little bit of work to do but it’s fun stuff like cutting, colouring and laminating (love my job!) so that shouldn’t be stressing me- I just need to get it done. I don’t really want to pack as I HATE packing- but it will only take me 10 minutes so it’s not worth ruining an evening over. I do feel a bit anxious about having the whole evening in front of me without a plan (should’ve gone to yoga!) and I think this could be something as I do get worried about ‘wasted time’ – but ‘purging time’ is wasted time to so what’s that about?
I don’t know- maybe it’s just ingrained habit at this point. If so, I should be able to deal with that – habits can be broken. Or maybe it doesn’t matter- I just need to not purge.
So instead I have blogged, I’ve started dinner, I’ve got ‘say yes to the dress’ on tv (don’t judge me! this is how I’m choosing to waste time!) and I’m going to finish my work, pack and do some home yoga. And I am not going to purge.
Being in the moment is awful, but if it works I will try it. I’ll keep you posted!