In the moment

Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge

My boyfriend has gone out so I have an unexpected hour to myself – first thought in my head? Oooo I can purge! This is what I was discussing with my nurse last week- that I see purging as some kind of a treat for myself. I wasn’t sure then if it was the purging or the binging that was really the treat. I desperately didn’t want it to be the binging as that would equate to being a greedy fat pig whereas if it was all about the purging it would equate to- well I’m not sure really, but in my head something less worse than it being about wanting to eat.

Anyway, this evening I am definitely thinking about purging- there is nothing I want to eat but I just had some PB, banana on toast so could throw that up- even though it was totally within my ‘food plan’ and I wasn’t worried about it. When you stop and think about it- it is kind of weird that I want to purge just for the ‘fun of it’. We all know it’s not fun, and that the small moment of satisfaction is far outweighed by the feelings of crap that come with it. So I am trying my very best to stay in the moment and figure out what I’m really thinking and if I can use that to re-route myself to a path that doesn’t end up at the toilet.

I’ve had a good day so I don’t think it’s about that. I could have gone to yoga at 6 but I decided to skip it so I could get housework done and pack for the bank holiday weekend – maybe I’m feeling guilty about that? For sure though going to yoga would be a better use of an hour than purging!I’ve got a little bit of work to do but it’s fun stuff like cutting, colouring and laminating (love my job!) so that shouldn’t be stressing me- I just need to get it done. I don’t really want to pack as I HATE packing- but it will only take me 10 minutes so it’s not worth ruining an evening over. I do feel a bit anxious about having the whole evening in front of me without a plan (should’ve gone to yoga!) and I think this could be something as I do get worried about ‘wasted time’ – but ‘purging time’ is wasted time to so what’s that about?

I don’t know- maybe it’s just ingrained habit at this point. If so, I should be able to deal with that – habits can be broken. Or maybe it doesn’t matter- I just need to not purge.

So instead I have blogged, I’ve started dinner, I’ve got ‘say yes to the dress’ on tv (don’t judge me! this is how I’m choosing to waste time!) and I’m going to finish my work, pack and do some home yoga. And I am not going to purge.

Being in the moment is awful, but if it works I will try it. I’ll keep you posted!

The next best thing

After a rough morning/afternoon yesterday I decided to put some of my therapy learning into action.

I did the housework that I wanted to do, I finished the uni work I had set for the weekend (late on a Sunday night as usual!) and I ate a balanced dinner. My throat was killing me but I ate it anyway as that was the next best thing to do. 

This morning I tried the same. Despite still feeling rough and ashamed after yesterday’s binge/purge I woke up, faced the day, went to the gym and then went to the library. I was nervous about eating but I know restricting after a binge is not the next best thing so I ate a balanced breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, tea-time hot chocolate and dinner.I agonised over the hot chocolate but I was hungry and had a craving for one and I know id be late having my dinner so I had it and unsurprisingly the world hasn’t ended!

I caught up with the triathlon when home (go GB!) now in bed with alarm set for a gentle swim in morning.

Today was such a better use of my time and I’m pleased I managed to resist behaviours. I find once I give into purging it lasts for a few days but not this time. The ‘next best thing’ worked- I should remember this!  Night all x

Was it worth it?

I binged and purged this morning. I had a couple of free hours at home and that’s what I did with my time. I fell asleep afterwards and I’ve now woken up with a horribly sore throat and a nauseous stomach.

Was it worth it? No.

I’m trying to unpick why I keep doing it. I binged on iced fingers and donuts and I enjoyed the first 3 iced fingers and then after that I was only eating so I could purge. So I got about 5 mins of enjoyment from it and then after that it was pretty miserable. Sometimes I enjoy the purging but today because I was trying to stay in the moment it wasn’t nice- my throat was really sore. So for 5 minutes of enjoyment I have wasted 5 hours (the eating, purging, and sleeping) and now I feel gross.

Was it worth it? No.

I’m trying to work on my purging and really think about it before and after – but doing so makes me sad. I feel nothing but bad things: as well as a sore throat and nausea I feel shame, guilt, disappointment. I understand why I need to do this for my recovery, I need to think of what purging actually does for me so I remember that before I start eating, I need to rewire my brain to not associate purging with a nice time for myself.

It was not worth it. I need to learn this.

A letter from my body

This post has been on my ‘to-do’ list for blogging for a while now. It turns out that having a blogging ‘to-do’ list puts me off blogging as I get panicked about what I wanted to do being good enough so I’ve learnt not to commit to writing about a specific topic anymore. However, I did really want to do this post so I’m just going to let the words flow and post whatever comes out- apologies in advance if it’s rambling!

 

This post is inspired by firebyfly from lastthingoutofthebox who back in January wrote a letter to herself from her body. While I have written (privately) to my body from myself, I have never done it this way around. Firebyfly’s post was honest and raw and made me see ED from a different perspective so I thought it was worth a go for me to try. (On a side note firebyfly has been such a lovely and supportive blogger over the past while and I am thankful for each and every one of her comments!)

Dear MyQuietRoar,

I’m not sure you’ve ever really liked me.  I can remember as far back as aged 7 you saying that I was too fat. You got cross with me for not being small and petite like the other girls, for being too round and flabby. You hated me in a leotard; I used to love ballet class and gymnastics – it was so fun to spin and tumble and stretch – but you were ashamed of how I looked. We would master new skills together and I thought you would be proud, but instead you would cross your arms over me in embarrassment and pinch at me in disgust, longing enviously for someone else’s body.

You still do that now – compare me to others and find me wanting. I sit with you in changing rooms while you cry over how I look. I tolerated it when you removed all the mirrors at home because you couldn’t bear how I looked and would spend hours judging an criticising me. I see you delete photo after photo because my arms look fat, my chin is pudgy, there are rolls on my stomach. Every now and again I think I look great, I’ve pulled it together with nice hair and makeup and lovely clothes – I cherish those moments when you think ‘you’re okay, you’re enough’ and pray they will stretch out in time before you end up back hating me.

It’s  not just how I look either, it’s what I can do. I remember not being able to climb the rope in sports acro and for you never forgiving me for that. 25 years on and that still gets to you. I see the same thing now in other ways.  The activities may have changed but I am still the same body, still working with you to help you do the things you want to do, but yet you still don’t find me good enough. I have trained with you for 6 marathons. I have run miles and miles in all kinds of weather, when I was tired and sore with blisters on my feet, I stayed with you. Yet at least once a day you tell me your are annoyed at me for not being fast enough. You do the same with cycling – just when I am enjoying being out in the countryside you curse me for not being strong enough up the hills. Yoga too – I thought we were going to relax but you berate me for not being flexible enough or strong enough.

I’m angry at you for how you have treated me. I watch you being kind to others and telling them to love themselves but then not being fair to me. Puberty was not my fault. It was my job to develop you in that way, you just needed patience to see how it would all settle, you shouldn’t have tried to fight me. You have really hurt me over the years. I have scars from where you have cut me, have healed bruises from where you have hit me. You thought while I was shrinking that you were doing something good for us, but I was hungry and cold and tired. You think stuffing me with food makes me feel better but I hate it, it makes me uncomfortable and the purging hurts. It leaves me dehydrated and drained and stops me getting on with the other things I like to do. I am fed up of not knowing what to expect, not knowing what I am allowed eat, what I have to avoid, what is too much, what is too little, what will make you feel bad. I just want moderation and balance. It really is that simple to me. I like vegetables, I want carbs for energy, protein for my muscles, nutrients for my hair and nails and chocolate simply because it’s yummy. Stop judging me for wanting the things that I need, and indulge me my giving me the things that I want.

It seems like you are exploring all options to get rid of me. I was not the body you wanted. Every time you are ashamed of me or hurt me that is what you are telling me. I was not the body you wanted. But guess what? I am all you have. And I’ll tell you something else; you got a pretty good deal with me. Even with everything you put me though I wake up in the morning and take a breath for you. I let you roll over and smile at your boyfriend. I walk you into work where you get to make a difference. I let you laugh with your friends. I let you read to your heart’s content. I let you type these thoughts out into the world. I get you to see your family and let you play with your cousins. One day I am hoping to help you bring your own child into the world. I will always be here for you. Please have faith that if you stick with me, we will be okay. I am enough for you. You are enough.

With love, your body.