I’ve got counselling today and I’m nervous about it. I’ve had (minor) drops in weight the last few sessions and last week was a tough session facing up to it.
I don’t want to regain the weight. I will probably have to restrict to stay at this weight (lower end of bmi, not actually underweight to be clear, but underweight for me) . I’m okay with that for now. It seems like a good trade off as I’m much more comfortable at this weight.
There is no point in me attending counselling if I have this mindset. I am already spoilt in the amount of sessions I have had. Other people would benefit more.
However, this is a bit of a pattern of mine. Indeed this is exactly how my blog started – I got discharged for exactly the same reason. There is a little bit of me (my non-eating disordered side) that thinks I need to learn to work through this if I really want this out of my life. My eating disorder side thinks it’s a brilliant idea to stop going and while we’re at it why not lose another little bit of weight.
It seems that just as I approach being well, my eating disorder rises up and digs its claws in. There’s something in that final letting go that I just can’t do.
I’m going to say this to my counsellor today. I’m going to be honest. It’s all I can do as I don’t know the answer myself. I will out my trust in her as to what I should do now. I’ll keep you posted…