Trying out honesty

I’ve got counselling today and I’m nervous about it. I’ve had (minor) drops in weight the last few sessions and last week was a tough session facing up to it.

I don’t want to regain the weight. I will probably have to restrict to stay at this weight (lower end of bmi, not actually underweight to be clear, but underweight for me) . I’m okay with that for now. It seems like a good trade off as I’m much more comfortable at this weight. 

There is no point in me attending counselling if I have this mindset. I am already spoilt in the amount of sessions I have had. Other people would benefit more. 

However, this is a bit of a pattern of mine. Indeed this is exactly how my blog started – I got discharged for exactly the same reason. There is a little bit of me (my non-eating disordered side) that thinks I need to learn to work through this if I really want this out of my life. My eating disorder side thinks it’s a brilliant idea to stop going and while we’re at it why not lose another little bit of weight. 

It seems that just as I approach being well, my eating disorder rises up and digs its claws in. There’s something in that final letting go that I just can’t do. 

I’m going to say this to my counsellor today. I’m going to be honest. It’s all I can do as I don’t know the answer myself. I will out my trust in her as to what I should do now. I’ll keep you posted…

“It’s not a safe food”

I had a very honest moment with my friend today. She bought us ‘breakfast muffins’ for breakfast this morning. I looked at them and had the immediate panic of do I a) refuse and it be awkward 2) eat and purge 3) eat and try not purge 4) eat some of it and then panic about eating the rest 5) eat some of it, then binge later as the resisting was too much, and then purge….. and so on and so on….

She noticed my face and asked if I didn’t like them – I was going to say no but before I could, I admitted that I did. She said have one then – so I said I would have a small piece. She said no have a whole one and before I knew it I was saying ‘it’s not a safe food’.

She asked me what that meant (aside- imagine a world where safe foods/ danger foods do not exist!What?!) and I paused and then admitted- it’s the kind of thing that I would eat 10 off and then need to be sick. She looked shocked. I guess understanding it in theory and me saying it out loud is different. She asked me should she not eat such stuff in front of me, or not offer it to me. That made me sad, as while that would avoid the issue for now that is not real life. I told her that me learning to eat just a little is a good thing.

It was sobering to realise that purging is so shocking to some people, and yet so mundane to me. I don’t want purging to be part of my life- or at most the smallest part as I can make it. It was mortifying to admit out loud that I would binge (although I still avoided using that word) but it was important too.

I am not a lesser person because I have binged. I am not a lesser person because I have purged. I am doing my best with what circumstances I find myself in. That is all I can do at any one time.

But I do want to take this moment to say to any of you that is ashamed of your binging and/or your purging. This is an illness. It is not a weakness. I am not judging you – because judging myself would not be helpful. It is not our fault we have the urges, but it is within us to change things. Sufficient consistent eating, everything in moderation, self-care, reaching out…we are worth it.

Irrational annoyance

I saw my doctor this morning and he mentioned by BMI as part of the review. I didn’t pay too much attention to this at the time until I was just walking home and I thought hmm, he mentioned a number, I’ll just have a little check of that myself (why? who knows? complete ED behaviour) and I’ve realised that they have my height wrong on the system.

When I first started in the clinic I told them my height was an inch (2cm) less than it is and they never measured me. I was underweight at this point and thought that giving a shorter height would give me a little more leeway in terms of weight (EDs turn us into sneaky lying souls). While that strategy was useful for a while (i.e. while I was delighted to be coming out with a higher BMI than I actually had), now I’m really annoyed about it. I don’t want them to think my BMI to be higher than it actually is.

This is so irrational- BMI is such a crude measurement- I’ve always protested this. So why now should I care if they think it’s higher than it actually is. I don’t really mind my doctor thinking that, but I’m embarrassed about my counsellor thinking it. Which makes no sense. I think it’s tied in with me wanting to be ‘a good anorexic’ in terms of being thin enough. I have been caught in this horrible ‘thin enough’ web so many times before and I know it’s unhelpful.

I will move past this, and I know it’s not really a big deal, but right now I’m just riding out my irrational annoyance!

Desperate times, desperate measures

Living on my own is starting to jeapordise my recovery. I’m going a few days without purging, then having a bad run, then having a few good days, then a bad streak again. Structured eating has kind of gone out the window. I’m not really making proper meals so seem to be permanently snacking, which makes me feel worse as I feel like I’m eating all the time but also isn’t actually enough to fuel me. On one hand things feel good and I’m  in control of life, but I’m starting to be out of control again with eating/recovery. 

I’ve been at this long enough now to know where this might lead me. I don’t want to be back there. I don’t want to be ill. I want to be thriving and living my lovely life. Recovery has stopped being a priority and it shows.

So, I have moved in with a friend, just for a couple of weeks to get back on track. I’m still keeping the house, and fully intend on getting back there and managing on my own, but right now desperate times call for desperate measures. My friend knows about my ED but probably thinks im more recovered than I am, she doesn’t know about the latest blips, I’ve just told her I could do with some company for a little while and she’s happy for me to stay as she lives on her own too (yes I have amazing friends). 

I’m hoping this will get me over this a little hump and then I can start implementing more long-term maintenance solutions. I know I have to learn to do it on my own but right now that seems too big a step, so moving in with my friend and copying her “normal” eating habits (oh those incredible people that just get on with the complex task of eating three meals) seems like the best idea for right now.

 Recovery takes actions, I can’t wish or talk myself better, so this is the action for right now! *rolls up sleeves and puts brace face on*

I’d like to hear what actions others have been taking- do share!