Not okay at this weight

I saw my nurse yesterday. She weighed me and I’m at the highest weight I have ever been. Rational me knows it’s only a kilo heavier than my highest range has been before (I fluctuate about 4 kilos on her scale depending on my clothes/time of day/intake etc.) but it horrified me and I have been all over the place ever since.

I’ve let things slip. I thought I was just doing well in recovery but I haven’t, I’ve just been gluttonous and weak and eating without thinking and now I’m paying the price. I’m not being ‘strong’ by eating, I’m just being a fat greedy pig.

I’m 6 kilos over my maximum ‘safe’ weight (safe for me mentally, but also safe or me physically, it’s not a crazy number, which means that what I am now is so unnecessary and disgusting) and I can only think that getting back there is the answer to how horrible it feels right now.

To top it all off, I’m marathon training, which means that I must be eating an absolutely excessive amount to still be gaining weight.

All of this has just hit me like a ton of bricks. I really don’t want to have to deal with this body.

Sorry for the negativity 😦

 

Avoidance

I’m in avoidance mode. Avoidance of writing, talking, recovery, thinking, feeling…you name it I’ve been hiding from it!

I don’t know if it’s been a good approach or not. I think I just shut off everything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks and although I knew it would pass I just need to go into survival mode while it did.

Work and study have been going well though, I’ve been using my energy on those important life things. I’ve been trying my best with family and friends too- have bailed out of a few things but in general have been giving it as much as I can.

That just didn’t leave much energy or enthusiasm for blogging, even though I know it would’ve helped. I sat down to write a few times but then gave up. I’ve been having a challenging time with the boy/living situation which has been what I really wanted to work through but felt it was unfair on him to do that on the internet, even if I try to be anonymous.

I’m not sure now this even makes sense but I’m going to post it just to have something written! I’ll be back tomorrow hopefully and can update with a post that’s a bit more interesting! I’m looking forward to reading everyone else’s posts too now. It’s nice to be back!