I saw my nurse yesterday. She weighed me and I’m at the highest weight I have ever been. Rational me knows it’s only a kilo heavier than my highest range has been before (I fluctuate about 4 kilos on her scale depending on my clothes/time of day/intake etc.) but it horrified me and I have been all over the place ever since.
I’ve let things slip. I thought I was just doing well in recovery but I haven’t, I’ve just been gluttonous and weak and eating without thinking and now I’m paying the price. I’m not being ‘strong’ by eating, I’m just being a fat greedy pig.
I’m 6 kilos over my maximum ‘safe’ weight (safe for me mentally, but also safe or me physically, it’s not a crazy number, which means that what I am now is so unnecessary and disgusting) and I can only think that getting back there is the answer to how horrible it feels right now.
To top it all off, I’m marathon training, which means that I must be eating an absolutely excessive amount to still be gaining weight.
All of this has just hit me like a ton of bricks. I really don’t want to have to deal with this body.
Sorry for the negativity 😦