I think I’m going to be okay

I had my last session with my ED nurse as she was leaving today. I have so much emotion around this and I will write properly soon, but just for now I want to say that … I think I’m going to be okay. As in, I think I’m going to recover, that I’m going to be one of the people that make it.

I don’t know if I’ve ever thought this, or believed it before, but I do now. I’m going to have to keep fighting, I know it’s not going to be straightforward, but I do believe I can make it happen.

And that is a pretty powerful thought.

I’m willing some of my positivity across to the rest of you, we can do this.

x

Advertisements

Mid-binge

I’m mid-binge. Three bowls of cereal down. I think I’m full enough now that I’ll stop. I’m aware of what I’m doing, and I have spread the bowls out over an hour so it hasn’t been completely out of control,  but I’ve still chosen to go ahead. It’s likely I’ll purge. I don’t want to ruin my 29 day streak but I kind of have already by binging. It could have been way worse but I’m disappointed in myself. I know I need to dissect things but I can’t face it now.

I need to use this to remind me that I do not want to go back to this being a daily occurrence. Sigh.

Chocolate peanuts round 3

Well I binged on chocolate peanuts again, but it has been a few weeks since rounds 1 and 2 so at least I’m spacing them out! Seriously why do I have no control over my cravings sometimes? Why do I keep eating when I feel sick? Why can’t I just have a few and then put them away? I’m eating knowing I will feel bas after but I don’t have the strength to stop. It’s so frustrating.

On the plus side, I haven’t purged. That’s 28 days purge free. A month pretty much- amazing. I’m making myself suffer the consequences of overeating (fullness, bloating, calorie excess, fat excess) etc. and I’m really hoping that at some point (chocolate peanuts round 4, round 10? round 20?!) I will learn that it it is not worth it.

Here’s hoping!

Feeling my feelings

The theory is that my eating disorder does a good job of masking my feelings and therefore I’ve never really learnt how to cope in other ways. In this way it has served quite a valuable purpose in my life as I had a fair few things (as we all do I guess all in our different ways) that I needed not to be feeling.

I’m at the point now that I’m starting to develop better ways of managing things and my nurse repeatedly says to me ‘you no longer need it in your life’. I have been trying to believe her on this but I have been having a bit of a hard time recently and as I haven’t been engaging in behaviours in order to distract myself from real life I am now experiencing actually feeling my feelings and I have to confess that I am really struggling with it. My ED thoughts are raging so I’m not only having to deal with life stress but suddenly recovery has also stepped up a notch so everything seems overwhelming.

There’s a part of me that thinks it’s not possible to work on recovery during stressful times but I know that’s ED speaking, rationale me knows this is exactly the time that I need to be working on things. But IT IS HARD and I’m tired, weary, fat and feeling very very lonely in my battle.

Can anyone convince me it gets easier or is it going to be this hard every time I have a stressful period? I’m so scared this will be something I will keep having to fight as I’m worried I don’t have it in me.