A friend of mine went through a bad break up last year. Due to stress she lost a fair bit of weight. She then started focusing more on her running due to needing a distraction. As a result she is now teeny tiny and a much faster runner than me.
I am so ashamed to admit this but I am really struggling with it. I can’t help but compare myself and be jealous of her. She is one of the sweetest loveliest people who has done nothing wrong and yet I’m finding it really hard to be around her. I want to be thin. I want to be fast. But I know that takes more willpower and dedication than I have right now. And I know for me it means being ill. I’m not sure if she is being healthy with it all, she claims she is but I haven’t spent enough time with her to really know as I am avoiding her.
I feel like it’s lose lose for me – if she is ill then she’s done better at her eating disorder than I have as she is thinner than I have ever been – and if she isn’t ill then she has managed to be thinner than me without needing to have an eating disorder.
I recognise what I’m saying is awful – I am fully aware of it- and I know I am being a terrible terrible friend by avoiding her – but it’s hard to explain how crap I feel around her.
It just strikes to my deepest darkest parts of my soul and the fire of shame that I have spent years with disordered eating and never ever been really really thin. I can read all the quotes and post about different bodies but I just feel like mine failed me, and I failed at anorexia. I feel like I won’t ever be able to move on if I can’t get to that point just one time, but I also don’t think it’s possible for me.
If it’s that hard for me to lose weight then I can’t have anorexia, my ‘voice’ just mustn’t be strong enough and maybe I’ve just been pretending all this time. Maybe I’m just an example of years of failed dieting rather than restriction and recovery.
All I know is I just hate my body right now and hate how crap a friend I am being all because of the size of a waist and the speed of a mile.