Warning! Ranty and irrational post ahead.
I was feeling down this morning and couldn’t quite identify what was upsetting me. I’d felt so good yesterday, why was I now feeling bad? I was having a terrible food/body day – after feeling like I was ready to say goodbye to ED last night it reared back up and clawed its nails into me and was all I could think of.It persisted all morning until I went to the park at lunchtime.
On my stroll I saw a girl with anorexia. I know she has it because I know of her from the University and because I’m a pretty good internet stalker where eating disorders are involved (sad and creepy? absolutely) and plus she’s extremely thin at the moment. She was eating lunch in the park and I could feel something bubbling over me. After a while I identified it as being something along the lines of anger, or annoyance, or just general pissed-off-ness.
I’m annoyed that I have raging ED thoughts and yet I’m a healthy weight.
I’m annoyed that I only ate half my lunch before abandoning it because the change in food was too much, and yet I don’t look anorexic.
I’m annoyed that I’ve spent 20 years of my life feeling crap about my body and dieting and purging and exercising and yet I was never ‘too thin’.
I’m resentful that I went to the gym this evening even though I ached, and there were girls there who were far thinner than me and probably had eaten enough that day.
I’m annoyed that I have no ‘thin’ photos to look back on to compare how healthy I look now, as I was fat then and I’m fat now.
I’m annoyed that I eat less than what you’d think would be required to maintain and yet I still don’t lose weight.
I’m annoyed that I run twice as much as some of my friends yet they are skinnier and faster than me.
I’m annoyed that I do strength and resistance work consistently and yet any potential muscle is surrounded by flab.
I’m annoyed that even though I gave it everything- the restricting and purging and exercising- that I never got the results for it.
I’m annoyed I never got thin enough for people to insist I got help, so it was years and fully entrenched by the time I reached out, to then have a stupid psychiatrist say stupid things.
I’m envious of those who get to be the classic anorexic, even though I know that is a hurtful thing to say.
I just wish that at some point along my journey of illness to recovery that how I looked on the outside showed the terror that was going on inside. I wish that now I am fighting tooth and nail to be better that it would show on my body where I have come from.
I want people to know that my fear foods cause me real fear, that I exercise so much because I can’t eat otherwise, that I weigh out new foods, that I have to put the cottage cheese in the blue container and the yoghurt in the pink container because otherwise it’s just not right, that new supermarkets freak me out, that I can freeze in panic about the amount of blueberries I add to my porridge, that there I foods I will never eat without purging, that the anxiety about weighing starts 24 hours before it happens, that I avoid shopping because I don’t want to undress in bright lights, that I pinch my stomach and my arms every time I walk past a mirror, that I obsess over the biscuits in the cupboard two floors below me and I compare myself to everyone walking down the street. I want them to know how much bloody energy I spend on just getting through the day sometimes.
I want to be the girl on a park bench that people walk past and think- she must be anorexic. I hate myself for wanting that, but I do.