I’m crazy busy at work. I’m training for a marathon. All I seem to do is work and run and sleep, and feel guilty about doing too little of the first two and too much of the last.
This is the first time I’ve really been under pressure since coming off my anti-depressants and I’m not coping that well. The medication took the edge of things- I would still feel stressed but it didn’t get to me in a way that hurt so much- I was aware of the stress and pressure but could still breathe with it.
Now it’s back to old times and I feel like I’m suficating. I feel less efficient. I’m on the verge of crying all the time. I’m spinning plates and every time someone asks me to do something I feel like a little earthquake hits.
As I’ve been so busy I’ve taken my eye off recovery and the purging has snuck its way back in to being a daily occurrence. I cried in the gym shower yesterday as I feel huge and flabby. The urge to self harm is raging.
I know I need to ride these few weeks out then things will be okay, but it’s been a nasty time. It’s really shown how useful the medication was for me so I need to have a good think about going back on them. Although stress is a fairly natural reaction to increased workload so maybe I just need to deal with it. I just need to grit my teeth and get through this. I know I should be doing other self care stuff too but I just don’t have the energy to try, which is stupid as it would probably give me more energy and would make me feel better about myself. I’ve definitely heard myself say that before though so I should stop talking and start doing!
Deep breaths and it will pass. Hope everyone else is doing okay.