I’m still injured and it looks like the marathon isn’t going to happen. I’ll still go as my boyfriend is running the half marathon, I’ve other friends running the full and we have accommodation booked for the night before and after, so I will paint a smile on my face and cheer him on, but I am going to have to draw on all my resources to have a good time.
There’s a whole lot of cognitive dissonance going on right now. I know it’s only running, I know it’s not the end of the world, I know I will likely be able to run again so this isn’t the worst injury, but on the other hand I keep thinking of all the training I put in and how frustrating it is to not be able to see the fruits of my labour. I have worked really hard this training cycle to get a good PB, I was aiming for a ‘good for age’ qualifying time for London, I have been beating my PBs along the way so it was within my reach. I feel it’s all gone to waste, but then I think sensibly that as long as I get better I can try again later in the year, but the thought of more 20 miles runs is exhausting and round and round the thoughts go. I just need to stop over thinking it. It is one race. It will done with in 8 days. I will get better. I will start running again and I can do another marathon when I’m fit for it.
The eating is another thing that is taking up brain space. I’m trying my best but it is hard now I’m not running. I’ve been swimming so that has helped, but the pool was closed today for refurbishment and I ended up in tears when I realised as I had eaten a flapjack thinking I could swim it off. As I can’t walk or cycle I have no way of burning it off now, so now I’m thinking I will have to swap it for a meal. This is such disordered thinking, I know it, you know it, even something without an ED would say that, but I swear my stomach is growing right in front of my eyes. On the positive side, I haven’t purged for 4 days and I’m feeling good about that.
So, ups and downs at the moment. All I can do is ride it out and find the positives where I can. My friends have been very supportive about the running so I’m a lucky girl in that way, and I got to spend some time wth my friends new baby last week and baby cuddles are great for when I’m down. It’s not all bad, and I keep telling myself it’s only a run…