It’s only a run

I’m still injured and it looks like the marathon isn’t going to happen. I’ll still go as my boyfriend is running the half marathon, I’ve other friends running the full and we have accommodation booked for the night before and after, so I will paint a smile on my face and cheer him on, but I am going to have to draw on all my resources to have a good time.

There’s a whole lot of cognitive dissonance going on right now. I know it’s only running, I know it’s not the end of the world, I know I will likely be able to run again so this isn’t the worst injury, but on the other hand I keep thinking of all the training I put in and how frustrating it is to not be able to see the fruits of my labour. I have worked really hard this training cycle to get a good PB, I was aiming for a ‘good for age’ qualifying time for London, I have been beating my PBs along the way so it was within my reach. I feel it’s all gone to waste, but then I think sensibly that as long as I get better I can try again later in the year, but the thought of more 20 miles runs is exhausting and round and round the thoughts go. I just need to stop over thinking it. It is one race. It will done with in 8 days. I will get better. I will start running again and I can do another marathon when I’m fit for it.

The eating is another thing that is taking up brain space. I’m trying my best but it is hard now I’m not running. I’ve been swimming so that has helped, but the pool was closed today for refurbishment and I ended up in tears when I realised as I had eaten a flapjack thinking I could swim it off. As I can’t walk or cycle I have no way of burning it off now, so now I’m thinking I will have to swap it for a meal. This is such disordered thinking, I know it, you know it, even something without an ED would say that, but I swear my stomach is growing right in front of my eyes. On the positive side, I haven’t purged for 4 days and I’m feeling good about that.

So, ups and downs at the moment. All I can do is ride it out and find the positives where I can. My friends have been very supportive about the running so I’m a lucky girl in that way, and I got to spend some time wth my friends new baby last week and baby cuddles are great for when I’m down. It’s not all bad, and I keep telling myself it’s only a run…

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5 thoughts on “It’s only a run

  1. (((((MQR))))) sending you tons of hugs !!!! stick to your guns, you’re smart and strong and you’re doing the right thing in letting your body heal. The ED is butting in and probably being driven by the strong disappointment and frustration you understandably feel about not being able to follow through on your marathon plan. Maybe it would help to give yourself time and a safe space to let those feelings out? its great that you’re writing here, and I hope you will keep doing that, but if you feel like you will have to repress those feelings and ‘paint on a smile’ to support your boyfriend while you’re away during the marathon weekend, well for me that would get quite dangerous and triggering, (repressing my feelings, putting another’s feelings before mine, being in an unfamiliar place) so it might be worth forward planning some support for yourself? Maybe having a plan to distract yourself from the critical ed voice and redirect your focus towards doing something kind and nice to yourself would be good?
    Also I totally feel for you with the flapjack and swimming pool situation 😦
    I know you’re doing your best with everything, you really are strong and courageous, if you can, try not to punish yourself by denying yourself a meal. Your body needs energy to heal right now, and besides all that you also deserve to eat anyway because you are a human being on this earth. I know how hard I would find the situation that you’re currently dealing with so I hope I’m not putting extra pressure on you by saying this, I just want to put it out there xxx take care of you xxx Em

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Em and such useful advice. I’m dreading the weekend- I know I should be a good sport and be happy for everyone else but deep down i’m just really bitter and envious and don’t want to be part of it at all! You’re right about needing a plan as I don’t want to be miserable and bring everyone else down. I’m trying really hard with the eating I really am, but the not knowing how long I’ll be out is killing me, I can handle a week or two but the pain I’m in now even just sitting makes me worried this is going to last for far longer than I’ll cope. Just goes to show that maybe I wasn’t so healthy with my exercise after all. Maybe this is just a necessary challenge in ED recovery to show me I won’t balloon if I still eat but don’t run…! I just wish it could have been a challenge after the marathon!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Not-a-marathon | My quiet roar

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