Wrong kind of planning

It’s late here but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing and what it keeps settling on is winding me up even more. Next weekend my boyfriend is going to be away. For the past 4 days I’ve been squishing thoughts about how that leaves me with a lovely opportunity to binge and purge with no panic about being caught. I have been trying to fight them as I can see how ridiculous it is to be planning a self-destructive act in such a way but my mind keeps coming back to it so instead I am going to brain dump what’s going on in my head to see if that helps.

  • Having the house to myself gives me guilt free time to work on my PhD 
  • The fact that I feel guilty sometimes working on my PhD worries me as my boyfriend should be supportive
  • My boyfriend hasn’t actually done anything to show me he’s not supportive, that is my projection
  • Now I eat a wide range of foods I can’t even conjure up a list of foods that I could indulge in – the forbidden foods are no longer forbidden so have lost their pull (this is a good thing I’m thinking!). I’m currently thinking about super noodles as they’re cheap and okay to purge (sorry if tmi) but if I feel guilty about spending money than that should add to my list of why I shouldn’t binge, and if I’m already thinking about purging and how crap it will make me feel then I should try and avoid that too!
  • I could go to yoga on the Sunday morning as a distraction but I went to the class before and they said it was the second hardest class which I took as them not thinking I was able (but in reality this was probably about minding my injury).
  • I really need to do a big clean of the house but I’m feeling lazy about it and that worries me as I used to he somewhat compulsive about cleaning now I feel I have lost that along with my control around food. I associate my compulsions with restriction and while I can see it’s progress and living with my boyfriend has been good for that, I miss having the manic energy to clean, especially as I know my boyfriend will come home and mess it up, which is what he should do as he lives there, but I miss being in control of where everything was placed! 
  • I should swim as it would be good for my back, but as I’m still injured but I can’t swim the same amount as I usually would or as fast and that frustrates me that it’s not a pleasant experience at the moment. I’m fed up of going to the gym to do gentle exercises and I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking I must be lazy and unfit. I wish I had an ‘injured that’s why I’m fat sign’ despite my rational self knowing I’m not fat and I have no evidence that people are actually thinking that
  • I started back on my anti depressants by taking ones I had left even though I know I shoudve gone to the doctor but I had to see a new one after my lovely one retired and I’m avoiding it as I don’t want him to read my file and think ‘you’re too fat for an eating disorder’ even though he’s a mental health specialist it’s very unlikely he would think that, plus I know EDs come in all shapes and sizes. I don’t want to have to repeat my story again and I don’t want to be lectured about coming off my medication without consulting them
  • I didn’t make a follow up appointment with my nurse at my last session as she couldn’t get her computer to work. I would have to ring up for another one but I know she’s busy and someone else would make better use of my slot and that all I do is go and say yes I’m still trying but yes I’m still purging and bingeing and purging when my boyfriend is out. I liked my appointments so much better when we went through food diaries and I promised to eat more. Now I don’t keep my food diaries as I can’t bear to be told that I need to eat less
  • I should keep my food diaries as that would show me how greedy I have become
  • I should replace the battery in my scale as I want to know my weight – I don’t think it’s gone up as I’m still fitting in my clothes, and it shouldn’t really matter anyway, but I want to know just in case I’m in denial. My arms have definitely gotten fatter, but I know swimming more would help this.
  • I’m behind in my PhD but I do have some time now to catch up but that means I can’t hide from it
  • Three of my friends are pregnant and I’m jealous of them, but I know I need to finish studying for it to be the right time, but there’s never a right time, plus my study could take me years more at this rate, but my clock is ticking away, yet I would hate to be pregnant and still be bulimic and have no notions that o would magically be able to give it up.

There you go. Phew, some brain dump. I’m laughing to myself now that I thought it was actually about what food I could binge on when clearly it is so much more than that. I went from super noodles to pregnancy in only a few bullet points, my brain is clearly a weird twisted place!

I do actually feel calmer for this, it helped! Kudos to anyone that actually made it this far but this was a great post for me. I’m going to try sleep now and think of nicer alternatives for next weekend.

Night all, sweet dreams x

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5 thoughts on “Wrong kind of planning

  1. I read your post 10/04/2016 at 5.30am this morning ish.

    You powered me around my run because even though we’ve never met, we have such common ground. I was thinking about all the work you’ve done and the ground you’ve covered. Don’t let her voice pretend she’s you. She isn’t you and she doesn’t love you.

    Bones and thinness are a cover story. While you breathe you have hope. She will kill you and then the hope has dies. She will stop you getting your PhD, being married/partnered. She will rob you of your friends, your sanity, your hope, your freedom. You fight girl. Tooth and nail, you fight for what is rightfully yours, your right to take up space and live on the shithole of a planet. And everyday that voice appears, you silence it by your recovery and your lion-hearted spirit. Your quiet roar.

    This came on my earphone as I was running and it is so true. Shout it at your ed please.

    Please delete this message after you’ve read it but I didn’t know how else to contact you and just wanted you to know that even people you’ve never met are affected by your story and want you to recover. Choose LIFE.

    Lots of love xxxx

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    1. I don’t know how to begin to thank you for this lovely comment. I wrote that post in a bit of a panic, and then took it down the next morning as I felt embarrassed that I am so up and down, that I can be so recovery focused and then spend a week restricting, and then my ED shouted at me for even pretending I could restrict ‘well’ anymore so I shouldn’t put it out there. Your comment speaks to me though, not ED, and it’s so nice to have other voices in my corner- it really makes a difference so thank you very much for your words. And the song- I need to compile a soundtrack of positivity for these harder days! Sending love back to you xxx

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  2. This is the RIGHT kind of planning! You are foreseeing a difficult situation and trying to find ways to cope with it. I find that planning out my meals when I am scared of bingeing really helps. I know it’s totally anal but I find that it’s worth it! I’m also so happy that you no longer have forbidden foods! That is my ultimate goal. You are making so much progress!

    Lots of love,
    K

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