I was tidying up my room this evening and as my boyfriend is out I decided to pull out my box of journals. I found the following entry from this day 2 years ago and was so sad to read the horrible word that were going through my head at the time:
(My BMI), disgusting. Weak, lazy, fat, horrible you. You are completely in control of that and it is your poor choices that have gotten you here. (My weight). Gross. I can’t believe you let her see that. Lazy pig. Unfit and gross. Your horrible fat lazy self. Your stupid weak mind that means you don’t do your work and you don’t know what you’re doing. Stop wasting everyone’s time and either lose the weight or kill yourself already. FAT FAT FAT FAT stupid stupid stupid horrible you.
I wish there was some way of apologising to myself from two years ago. I guess the only way I can do that is to be kind to myself now. We’re all only human. We can only do the best with the capacities we’ve got at the time. My weight does not make me stupid, or horrible, or lazy. It is just a number.
I’m making a pledge to stop speaking to myself like that, at whatever weight I am. For those of you who hear the same negative voices, please try to ignore them. Please be nicer to yourself. Let the kindness in.