I made it through the past few days. I got the things that needed doing done and I feel so much better for it. Now I’m out of that horrible patch I feel a little silly about how awful I felt, I am slowly learning to trust that ‘the darkness doesn’t last forever, dawn always comes’ but sometimes I dip so low and get so overwhelmed that I worry it will be like before, when I couldn’t see my way out.
That’s what I was trying to explain to my nurse and I couldn’t quite get it across. I started seeing her when I was firmly on the road to recovery so I don’t think she got why I was panicking about not being able to get my work done. She doesn’t know that the last time I hit a ‘bad patch’ with my studies that I was suicidal and pretty much stopped functioning for a couple of months. She was encouraging me to cry and let it out but she wanted to fix it- wanted to talk about routines and yoga and all the things I know I need to do but couldn’t understand why that made me feel worse. I know what I need to do but when the low sweeps through me it renders me helpless. Honestly all I wanted to do was hide under the table in her office and curl up in a ball until the pain stopped. I think I could have told my old nurse that, I think she would have been able to understand without me having to talk, I really really missed her this week. I know my new nurse is trying to help, but I don’t think there’s much more she can offer me now (I know I have talked about this before) and I just feel so guilty for taking up time that could be used positively for someone else.
We finished my session early as I just couldn’t engage and I wandered around for 30 mins before heading into uni. I really wanted to just go home to bed but I had to go to a meeting. I really really really wanted to check out of reality at that point – go hide somewhere and let the tears fall and fall- but I couldn’t as life was going on around me whether I liked it or not. These are the moments where I see my strength- that even though I felt sh*t I didn’t want this to affect my life any more than it has. That even though it’s awful, I need to grit my teeth and plough on if I don’t want to stay trapped in the darkness. It’s not been an easy week, or few weeks really, and I’m still a little shook by it to be honest, but I can breathe again now . Phew.