And breathe…

I made it through the past few days. I got the things that needed doing done and I feel so much better for it. Now I’m out of that horrible patch I feel a little silly about how awful I felt, I am slowly learning to trust that ‘the darkness doesn’t last forever, dawn always comes’ but sometimes I dip so low and get so overwhelmed that I worry it will be like before, when I couldn’t see my way out.

That’s what I was trying to explain to my nurse and I couldn’t quite get it across. I started seeing her when I was firmly on the road to recovery so I don’t think she got why I was panicking about not being able to get my work done. She doesn’t know that the last time I hit a ‘bad patch’ with my studies that I was suicidal and pretty much stopped functioning for a couple of months. She was encouraging me to cry and let it out but she wanted to fix it- wanted to talk about routines and yoga and all the things I know I need to do but couldn’t understand why that made me feel worse. I know what I need to do but when the low sweeps through me it renders me helpless. Honestly all I wanted to do was hide under the table in her office and curl up in a ball until the pain stopped. I think I could have told my old nurse that, I think she would have been able to understand without me having to talk, I really really missed her this week. I know my new nurse is trying to help, but I don’t think there’s much more she can offer me now (I know I have talked about this before) and I just feel so guilty for taking up time that could be used positively for someone else.

We finished my session early as I just couldn’t engage and I wandered around for 30 mins before heading into uni. I really wanted to just go home to bed but I had to go to a meeting. I really really really wanted to check out of reality at that point – go hide somewhere and let the tears fall and fall- but I couldn’t as life was going on around me whether I liked it or not. These are the moments where I see my strength- that even though I felt sh*t I didn’t want this to affect my life any more than it has. That even though it’s awful, I need to grit my teeth and plough on if I don’t want to stay trapped in the darkness. It’s not been an easy week, or few weeks really, and I’m still a little shook by it to be honest, but I can breathe again now . Phew.

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3 thoughts on “And breathe…

  1. I feel like I spend most of my life in a space where part of me wants to just surrender to the emotions and shut down, rendering myself essentially immobile. But then I take a deep breath and remind myself of all the things I’m fighting for and somehow get through. It’s tough, but worth it. We both deserve so much from this world. xo

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  2. Strong, brave, courageous, you are moving forwards every day. Your determination is amazing; your God given trait, it will always see you through xxx

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  3. xxx thinking of you MQR and sending you loads of respect and kindness. I totally relate to your feeling of frustration with the nurse trying to ‘fix’ things, sometimes I feel like its just extra draining and tiring to try have to explain how bad things are – if only people would just listen and believe us when we say how bad we feel. I also think its totally understandable that you’d be scared about things getting that bad again, it sounds like you had a really difficult time with the suicidal feelings. The panic and anxiety around not wanting to feel that way again show that you want to live and value your life. Keep fighting for yourself, you’re a precious, unique, lovely human being XXX stay grounded and give yourself a big hug from me, a latte and Lucia sends loads of purrs and cat snuggles! xx Em

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