I had a horribly stressful meeting at work today. Then my boyfriend rang to say he was going to play football tonight so wouldn’t be in until later. Can you guess what lightbulb went off in my head? Stress + free house = binge/purge. I could feel the relief flow through my body when he rang: no having to talk to anyone this evening, no having to resist eating certain foods, no worry about hiding purging.. it seemed like the perfect solution to get rid of the anxious feeling in my stomach after the bad meeting.
I got as far as going to the shops. I even took a basket and filled it with 3 classic b/p items for me. I stood still for a while and considered if that would be enough to make me feel uncomfortable enough so that purging would be easy, or would I need something else…and then my post from yesterday hit me…I was setting out to make myself feel uncomfortable. I was preparing to do something that would only result in my feeling bad about myself. Sure it would get rid of the anxious feeling right now but the guilt over b/p-ing would last much longer- I’d feel rotten after, I’d be exhausted and I’d probably have a sore throat in the morning. I would beat myself up about it and the nasty voices would have a field day.
So instead I tried to think about what would make me say nice things to myself. I knew skipping dinner altogether would make ED say nice things to me, but it would leave me open for b/p-ing later when I got too hungry. I decided that making a nice meal with a ‘treat’ dessert would probably do it. So I put back the items (Imagine how strong I felt at that moment!) and replaced them with dates, grapes, oranges, yoghurt and peanut butter. I realise at this point how irrational my brain is that I would sooner b/p than ‘give in’ to eating dates, grapes, yoghurt and peanut butter for dessert- that’s an anorexia hangover for you! I snacked on some dates on my way home- ignoring the guilt because after all a binge would’ve been way worse, had a falafel pitta, did some yoga and then had a big bowl of fruit and yoghurt followed by an all important cup of tea. Such a simple thing but such a HUGE step forward as I’ve been struggling to resist engaging in behaviours when I have the house to myself.
I’ve no gotten on with some work- which will hopefully show my supervisors that I am trying to make progress with my uni work- and I’m now ready for an early night.
When I write about wins like this it looks so easy on paper but this really is not the case – it took every fibre of my being to override my urge to binge and to put the food back in the shop- and to do this again when making dinner- and again when eating dinner- and again when making dessert- and again when eating dessert- and again when cleaning up- and again while starting to work- but now 4 hours later the urge is gone. A Wednesday win.
This goes to show I have the strength to make good decisions and to follow through- I forget this sometimes. And if I can do it I bet you can too- sending lots of strong vibes out across the internet to you all!