We grow

I am beyond 30 and tonight I met a 21 year old I used to babysit. We used to play games, I used to make her snacks, I used to be the grown up. Now she is the grown up. And I am really the grown up. This is it This is grown up life.

When I was 9 I couldn’t imagine being 11. Then I was 11 and couldn’t imagine being 13. Then I was 13 and couldn’t imagine being 17. Then I turned 17 and couldn’t ever imagine leaving university. Then I left university at 21 and couldn’t imagine being 25. I turned 25 and couldn’t  fathom hitting 30. You hit 30, you celebrate as if it’s your last birthday ever.

I am the grown up. I got old. I grew.  I am no longer a teenager, no longer and adolescent.When I was a pre-teen and a teen I never envisioned having an ED as a grown up. I just presumed I would outgrow it, that it was a phase, that at some point I would be done. For all of these years that I could fathom being older, I was ill. All those years.

I wish I could tell myself back then that I had to fight, that this wasn’t something I would grow out of, that this wasn’t a teenage stage. I wish I could convince my younger self that this is an illness that will shape my life in a whole load of negative ways. That the secrecy, lies, deception, cold, exhaustion would only persist. I wish I had been well enough to know that I wasn’t well

I wish I could persuade all of you who are young to start fighting now. To realise that this is not part of your identity, that this is not the biggest thing going on right now, there is a whole other life out there that is so much better than ED. I know you can’t choose, but deep down there is a part of you that can fight. Don’t listen to The Voice. Listen to life. I wish I had believed this. I wasted years, years and years of my life. Moments that are forever cemented in what I ate and what I didn’t ate. There is so much more to life than that.

I am fighting now. Every day I fight so hard. But I wish I had started earlier. Please, all of you, today is the day, start now. Seize life. ED is not worth it.

Okay, regretful rant over now! Hope you’re all hanging in there xxx

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3 thoughts on “We grow

    1. I’m really not, I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way, but as long as I’m still trying I’m doing okay. I hope things are okay for you and that the treatment is starting to help. x

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