So I told the boyfriend this morning.
We were in bed this morning and I was aware I had a counsellor appointment after work and I was thinking about how I would have to admit to her that I didn’t bring it up with the boy, despite that being a clear goal for the week. The though my occurred to me that I have 10 minutes before I needed to get up so if wanted to do it, now was the time.
It wasn’t exactly a grand declaration, just went along the lines of “I think one of the reasons my stomach was sore yesterday (I was sick all day) could have been from all the messing around I’ve done with it over the years-and actually I’m not fully better about all of that- but I am working on it- I’m seeing a new counsellor and one of my goals from her was for me to tell you- so I’m telling you- and I might need your help in the future but for now I just need to tell you”.
Bless my fabulous boyfriend as he just hugged me tight and told me he loved me, and then I asked if he wanted to say anything, he said no so I jumped up and got in the shower. I know he won’t mention it again until I bring it up and I am fine with that.
I couldn’t believe I had actually done it, and was excited to tell my counsellor. No more than 10 minutes later though I got a call from the clinic saying my counsellor was out sick and my next appointment will be in 3 weeks. I fully understand that everyone gets sick so I was fine with that of course, I was just really annoyed at myself. My initial reaction was tears and then a ‘why did I even bother’ ‘typical timing the world is out to get me’ ‘well that’s 3 weeks to lose weight’ but after a bit of distraction I realised that I shouldn’t have been telling my boyfriend just to please my counsellor, I need to be doing it to help me in my recovery and for me and him to have a solid chance at things.
Setting a goal to lose weight is also a stupid idea- what would that prove? I would feel ‘strong’ for it and that it would make my counsellor take notice of me. But guess what? She takes notice of me anyway as that is her job. She gets paid to help me whether I’m losing gaining or maintains weight- it doesn’t affect her one bit when the session is over but could totally set me back. It makes no sense. So instead I’m going to show my strength by working on my structured eating for the next few weeks until my appointment.
Instead of feeling left alone at it for 3 weeks I am going to use it as a time to try and implement what she has already taught me- that I need to eat every 3-4 hours and not in between. That’s the goal-to TRY- that’s all I can promise. I want to recover for me so here’s my chance to show it. So yeah, fate had a good laugh at me this morning, but I’ve come out fighting. One day at a time!