Doing it for myself (and the boyfriend)

So I told the boyfriend this morning. 

We were in bed this morning and I was aware I had a counsellor appointment after work and I was thinking about how I would have to admit to her that I didn’t bring it up with the boy, despite that being a clear goal for the week. The though my occurred to me that I have 10 minutes before I needed to get up so if wanted to do it, now was the time.

It wasn’t exactly a grand declaration, just went along the lines of “I think one of the reasons my stomach was sore yesterday (I was sick all day) could have been from all the messing around I’ve done with it over the years-and actually I’m not fully better about all of that- but I am working on it- I’m seeing a new counsellor and one of my goals from her was for me to tell you- so I’m telling you- and I might need your help in the future but for now I just need to tell you”.

Bless my fabulous boyfriend as he just hugged me tight and told me he loved me, and then I asked if he wanted to say anything, he said no so I jumped up and got in the shower. I know he won’t mention it again until I bring it up and I am fine with that. 

I couldn’t believe I had actually done it, and was excited to tell my counsellor. No more than 10 minutes later though I got a call from the clinic saying my counsellor was out sick and my next appointment will be in 3 weeks. I fully understand that everyone gets sick so I was fine with that of course, I was just really annoyed at myself. My initial reaction was tears and then a ‘why did I even bother’ ‘typical timing the world is out to get me’ ‘well that’s 3 weeks to lose weight’ but after a bit of distraction I realised that I shouldn’t have been telling my boyfriend just to please my counsellor, I need to be doing it to help me in my recovery and for me and him to have a solid chance at things. 

Setting a goal to lose weight is also a stupid idea- what would that prove? I would feel ‘strong’ for it and that it would make my counsellor take notice of me. But guess what? She takes notice of me anyway as that is her job. She gets paid to help me whether I’m losing gaining or maintains weight- it doesn’t affect her one bit when the session is over but could totally set me back. It makes no sense. So instead I’m going to show my strength by working on my structured eating for the next few weeks until my appointment. 

Instead of feeling left alone at it for 3 weeks I am going to use it as a time to try and implement what she has already taught me- that I need to eat every 3-4 hours and not in between. That’s the goal-to TRY- that’s all I can promise. I want to recover for me so here’s my chance to show it. So yeah, fate had a good laugh at me this morning, but I’ve come out fighting. One day at a time!

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22 thoughts on “Doing it for myself (and the boyfriend)

  1. Take one day at a time! You have your boyfriend who will be there to support you. It’s good that you came around and told him – that will only strengthen your relationship. Stay strong and do it for you.

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  2. That’s so positive! I’m so pleased to hear that your boyfriend reacted so well, it’s nic to know that you can depend on him. And how great that you were able to challenge yourself and be positive about the next 3weeks, determined to take responsibility and good care of yourself. Wonderful to read☺️💕💕

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  3. Brilliant, that’s so amazing! Be the 4% that beats this illness. Defy the bastard and refuse to be held hostage. I’ve always been in awe of your tenacity, determination and passion to recover and live life meaningfully on life’s terms. You provide me with inspiration and your personal story has always resonated with my own. I’m grateful for your posts because there is common ground and comfort in being able to identify with like-minded individuals like your good self xx

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    1. I’ve been trying to recover for what feels like so long that I surprise myself to be honest that I can be so determined! But the fact is that you either recover, or everything stays really f**king sh**ty- there is no middle ground of getting to lose the horrible bits and keep the nicer bits- if I want a life I’m proud off and enjoy living then recovery is the only way. I’m grateful for your posts too- there’s something really reassuring about not being alone in all of this!

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  4. Xxxxx Huge Hugs and Respect to you MQR, that was so courageous of you to seize the moment like that this morning, wow, go you!! I’m so glad he was a sweetie and gave you a hug 🙂 brave brave brave 🙂 I also LOVE how you reasoned your way through the knee-jerk restriction reaction, my brain trots out the same kind of gunk but like you I’m getting wiser about it. You truly are using your strength, compassion and smartness in choosing to try your best with the structured eating. I’m fully in support and celebration of that. I’d be bummed too if my counselling sesh was cut short just after I’d taken such a major leap – it’s totally natural to want to share the success and also maybe get a little support and reassurance in terms of any feelings of vulnerability telling your boyf might have brought up. I hope you can be extra kind to yourself – you know how awesome this step is and so do I! Xxxx you’re amazing MQR 🙂 xx

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    1. Gunk! That’s exactly what it is! It seems so reasonable and so sensible from one angle, but when you stop and think about it, it’s definitely nonsense! Why would losing weight be an appropriate reaction to my counsellor being sick?! What would I prove to the world with that? Far better to prove my worth in structured eating in the face of it being difficult, being around for my boyfriend and friends and making progress with my studies. Being thin is not an ambition for me to be proud of!
      But yes, I would have liked the support, thanks for reminding me that it’s okay for me to admit that. Hope your new people are providing the support you need too. xxx

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      1. Amen 🙂 this is music to my ears MQR! On with the revolution 🙂 I had a meeting with a psychiatrist today and it went well! I was also full of mind gunk about weight and specific numbers seeming to dictate my self-worth and validity but I was able to recognise it and talk about it and the psychiatrist backed me up! Wow so it is brilliant balm for my mind and heart to hear you negotiating the same obstacles xxx power on! 🙂 xx Em

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      2. It makes such a difference to have professionals that understand this and will fight this battle with the thoughts with you doesn’t it? To not have those thoughts dismissed but actually to be addressed as part of the illness. And they are part of the illness-one of the symptoms I guess- there’s no way that we all can think the same things and for it not to be tied up in it. Such a relief to know that other people recognise this. Power on indeed. xxx

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      3. Yes!!! Such a relief when the professionals are clear about it 🙂 actually I just realised that’s where the weird feeling I had in the session was coming from – I was talking my ed thoughts and the psychiatrist was naming them as ed thoughts and because of her clarity I was able to see my own mindset more clearly – that explains the unsettled feeling I had! It’s a really good thing and I’m relieved to understand it as part of the process whew! I haven’t posted in ages but I think I might write a post about that! 🙂

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      4. You’re right- it’s something about professionals naming them in a way that separates them out from us, rather than just saying ‘well you know that’s not true’ or something like that, which doesn’t help to make anything more clear. I’m going to watch out for this in my next session and yes pretty please write a post about it!

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      5. Yes 🙂 my brain is maxed out now hahaha!!! I need to do some further practice of my resting skills lol X chat soon! What an inspiring evening 🙂

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  5. You’ve just demonstrated the amazing process of working it all out beyond the defiant nature of our illness. Good for you!! You know, I haven’t posted in awhile and probably should but I’ll share this with you because of this brave post.

    I was weighing myself like a maniac, as we all do, lol, and had agreed to only weigh myself once at night and once in the morning. My therapist had said to simply be aware of my motivation and thoughts of weighing at night, one step at a time, right? So I did but had no intention of stopping even though I did recognize it to be totally eating disordered behavior. Having said that, a part of my new strategy of recovery is to be rigorously honest, like with myself. So, well, how do I squeak by that? I don’t. I decided to quit weighing myself before she or my nutritionist suggested it.

    I’m a coward, I admit it. I would never initiate anything on my own. I would always wait for one of them, or both, to make a suggestion, kick and scream about and then finally do it. That’s been the process for years. I never initiated anything on my own with regards to behavior. So this time I did. It wasn’t a big thing but in a way it was a step toward my getting my power back. How does the saying go?

    Inch by inch, everything’s a cinch;
    Yard by yard, everything is hard!

    So here’s to us for inching along toward recovery. I was so happy to read this post.

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  6. Thank you for posting and sharing your experiences. Posting helps if you can just get to the point of letting the words spill out on the keyboard- I hope you can soon. Yay for you about recognising the weighing thing- I think that is a big thing! You should be really proud. Sometimes taking initiative can be scary as I worry that everyone will suddenly think I’m fine and then all my support will be taken away, I can’t quite yet trust that I will eventually get to the point that I will be able to do this on my own (I think I spent so long being alone in it that it freaks me out to think I might go back to that place) – I don’t know if you feel this too? Also I have never heard that saying but I LOVE it0 a mantra for my recovery!!!

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