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Airport wishes

I’m sitting in the airport as going home for the weekend. I’ve had a bit of a disastrous day so there’s already been tears in the train station bathroom. I’m feeling fairly out of it and looking at the departures board wishing I could board a plane somewhere far away on my own where I could hide out and stop the world for a week…or a month or a year…

I think it’s time to admit that I’m depressed. I’ve been fighting it thinking it’s just stress, but it feels more than that. I’ve been far more stressed than this last year and was able to cope but now I’m just sad and fuzzy headed and feel like I’m permanently in a swamp I can’t get out of. It won’t ever be as bad as before, I know it will pass, I know I’ll survive.

But for now I’ll just keep dreaming of sunshine and beaches and escape from my head.

12 thoughts on “Airport wishes”

  1. I read this post and really felt empathy for your pain. I know it’s not really helpful but today I have been suffering too and felt myself start to tear up with my Mom in M&S (maybe it was the fact I was nearly meat in a old man sandwich in the sprout aisle). But I’ve been feeling the pinch of depression too, the clawing, dragging sensation that I can’t shake free.

    Keep writing and sharing. And somewhere in all of this there is positivity because you read it early, you know what’s happening and have admitted it, that to me sounds like a healthier place that what it might have looked like 18months ago.

    Your blog updates are always something I await because your honesty is beautiful and your story really connects with my own. On the days you feel at your worst, you may not see us in the blogosphere, but we are real and we are sending you lots of strength, courage, fortitude and love.

    I hope the weekend can offer you some space. Xxx

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    1. I can’t thank you enough for this lovely lovely reply (the two lovelys were on purpose), you’ve no idea how much it means. I’m so sorry that you feel the pain too, I wish I could just take it away from everyone, but to know someone is out there hearing me makes me feel tethered to something really special, thank you.

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  2. Hello. I felt sad when I read your post. Sad for you because depression is a stink time (My Mum and best friend’s battled for years). But I also felt uplifted because there is another human being out there who is open and honest about what they’re experiencing. Your writing is great. Keep going. Keep being you. Keep not pretending. Hopefully it lifts you up a bit, each day, knowing you’re connecting to others in the world. Peace.

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  4. I so understand where you are in that horrible darkness… the slow, steady sinking heart, the desire to be anywhere but in own body… Please hold on. Hold on for the sinking to stop and the darkness to break. It will. Some part of you knows it because you’ve been here before. I hope the change in environment can somehow give you a little breath of possibility. Sending my love and hoping you feel it a little…

    firefly xxx

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    1. The couple of days away definitely helped, I woke up yesterday feeling better than I had in a long time. I wish I could have stayed away for longer but that I’m hoping that little reprieve will help now I’m back to reality. Hope you’re doing okay x

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  5. Maybe you have mentioned this in a previous post…Or maybe this is information you’d rather not share, which I totally respect if that’s the case…But I feel so much resonance with each of the posts I have read – what seems like unrelenting stress and tears in strange places – that I have become very curious about what you do for work.

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    1. “unrelenting stress and tears in strange places” is such an accurate description of my life sometimes!!! I work with children with complex needs for a couple of days a week, and I teach in a university for a couple of days and then I’m also doing my PhD at the same time. It’s a bit mental but I love it all, so I’m aware I chose the stress in some way, I just wish I could handle it a bit better! Thanks for reading.

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      1. That IS so much to be holding all at the same time. I just attended a whole-day training in Secondary Traumatic Stress and, thinking about those reminders we got there, being a substance abuse counselor specializing in opiate dependence, the stress is also my own choice, but it does take a toll. I believe that much of my declining health was connected very much to the fact that right before I got into this job I had completed my graduate program (3 yrs) while raising two children, living in poverty, etc. etc. So the long-term stress with no meaningful break contributed to my total abandon in terms of my food abuse. This was one of the “symptoms” of secondary traumatic stress – any introduction or increase in addictive behaviors or substance abuse…So we learned how to better take care of ourselves. These were small changes, but have been proven helpful when consistently applied. If you’d like I can pop you an email of the list of changes to choose from. It was advised we only select ONE area to change…Let me know! I am going to try to improve the quality of my transitions from work to home and vice versa. I will pick a landmark (like an exit) at which point I will either begin or stop thinking about work and begin or stop thinking about the rest of my life (depending on which direction I am traveling). This could prove HUGE for me because work has consumed me and left little of me for home and any semblance of a life.

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