Attempting day one

I can’t quite believe I’m back to the point of needing to focus on one day without purging but somehow here I am. I’m overly full and could easily vomit right now if I went near the bathroom, but I know it is psychological: dinner was a sensible size and I’m only feeling this way as have been purging so much recently. I can ride it out if I try, I just need to distract myself and focus on getting one day down. I’d been managing weeks purge free until this recent slam, it’s so frustrating to find myself back struggling with even a day, but it is what it is and the only way to make it easier is to get to day one and slowly add up from there. I know I have this in me I just need to prioritise it and ride this awful wave.

For those of you also trying to keep head above water these days – you’re not alone in this.


Saturday night at the supermarket

Today I’m just sharing a win with you guys. Short version: I bought a rice pot, I didn’t binge or purge,I feel like a superhero.

I was at a friend’s house for tea and cake yesterday late afternoon. It was at an awkward time so threw me a bit in terms of meal planning. I had planned on having my afternoon snack there and was going to have a slice of cake as she bakes amazing cakes and I feel safe eating her stuff. 

I had the cake and then also had quite a few candied nuts. They weren’t on the plan but I’d never tried them and once I had one the ‘danger binge coming’ switch went on. 

I rationalised with myself that I would make the cakes and nuts my dinner as one solution (hello restricting ED), but I was worried that I’d be setting myself up for a rough day tomorrow as my body does not like any restriction at the moment.

Then I thought that I was planning on going to the supermarket anyway afterwards so I could buy something quick to binge on and purge everything (oh yes hello binging ED’s twisted mind where the solution to eating too much is eating more?)

By time I got the the supermarket I hadn’t quite made up my mind what to do. It was dangerous me being there but I had run out of key foods at home and have study plans for today (Sunday) so I really didn’t want to have to go to supermarket then. 

I walked down the aisles in the supermarket contemplating what to do. I really didn’t want to binge/purge and feel rough the next day, yet I was feeling so guilty about the nuts and yet also knowing that they weren’t enough for dinner that I was exposing myself to a binge later anyway. 

Eventually I realise that I could strike a balance, I could get a ‘treat’ for tea that would satisfy the binge urges but not makes me need to purge. I picked up a fresh lentil rice pot quick meal, I would never buy these normally as I don’t buy ready meals and they are £3 for something I can make myself for far less, but I knew I wouldn’t go home and make a proper dinner so I bought it along with the other stuff I needed. It felt rebellious buying the rice pot because I’d never had one before but it was a safe meal in terms of calories and was actually nutritious food. 

It felt powerful making a good decision. I was smiling to myself thinking how far I have come, that I could now be in a supermarket with the opportunity to either restrict or binge/purge and that I am choosing neither. I was literally grinning to myself! I came home and cooked the rice pot and ate it mindfully at the table and then had some fruit for dessert and then watched some Netflix before falling into bed content with my decision making. 

This morning’s self is very grateful to last night’s self for making a good choice and setting me up well for the day. 

Recovery is one win at a time, and all the baby steps are starting to join together. Hurrah!

A near miss

I just nearly got caught purging after a mini-binge. Probably one of the closest misses I’ve had. I was in the bathroom finishing when I heard my mum get home. The evidence was on my bed still, had she not being bringing in the shopping I would have been caught. 

I was racking my brains for a lie and realised I couldn’t come up with one. There was a split second when I thought I would just have to admit it and whatever fall-out would come, would come. But then I heard her go back out to the car and I had time to cover my tracks. 

She’s gone straight out again now, leaving me to unpack the shopping, and calm myself down. I feel horrible, not just from the binging but from the secrecy and the deviousness that this illness brings out in me. 

I have done 3 days of full meal plan and yet I still binged. My counsellor reassures me then when I eliminate restriction the binging will stop, but it’s tough to believe it on days like this. However, I know keeping moving forward is the only way to avoid feeling like this again. For now I just need to breathe and calm down! 

Not as easy as I thought

So I am back in my real life after Christmas and I am living on my own. 

It’s been 3 days and I have purged, well, 3 of those 3 days. I haven’t binged, but I’ve definitely overeaten once I’ve given into the fact that I knew I would purge. 

I have been doing so well in my recovery that I really thought I would cope with living on my own. I thought I was not purging because I was in control, not just because I didn’t have an opportunity. I’m really hoping that this is just a blip and I haven’t been wrong about this. 

I have insight, I have skills, I should not be purging daily. Maybe it’s just all the changes and transition of the last few days. Maybe when I get my routine back in place I’ll be able to address the food stuff. In fact, it can’t be a maybe – I will get back on track. I don’t want this ill life for myself, I’ve been here before and I know the misery. There is far more to life than this.

I’m really hoping I can do this, I’m scared that this blip will stretch on and on, and that I won’t cope being on my own. 

I just need to remember one step at a time, one day at a time. Regular meals. Fresh air. Mindfulness. Writing. Reaching out. Sleeping. That all needs to be my priority now. 

I’m scared, but I know I can do this. It’s just not quite as easy as I thought. 

Normalising over-indulgence

Tonight I ate sweets. Quite a lot of sweets, of the mini kind (stupid left over halloween sweets – I’m getting them out of the house tomorrow whether my boyfriend likes it or not!).

It was definitely a lot of sweets, and I definitely wasn’t hungry for them. I ate the first few for the taste of sugar, and then the next few as crazy ED brain goes ‘binge binge binge then you can purge them and that will purge dinner too then everything will be right with the world’.

Then I stopped. I could feel myself eating them in a way that was harmful to me and I gone beyond enjoyment. A small amount is a pleasure, but it’s a fine line before I do it in a way that makes me feel crap about myself. So I stopped and then had to deal with the full feelings that came.

I have over-indulged. But that’s okay. That happens sometimes. It’s a normal thing that occurs for people every now and again. I could purge, and believe me there’s a large bit of me that wants to, but then all I’m doing is teaching my brain and body that over-indulgence requires purging. And it doesn’t- this is a revelation to me! I over-indulged….so what?! I will digest it, this is not my everyday diet, I won’t balloon, it makes no difference to the good work that I did with the children today, or the nice date night time I had with my boyfriend, or the afternoon I had planned with friends tomorrow. I am not a bad person because I over-indulged. Even if you’re reading this thinking ‘oh I would never do that’ that’s fine-but it doesn’t make you a better person. What we eat or don’t eat has nothing to do with our contribution to mankind.

I am normalising my over-indulgence and I am going to bed on another day where reason triumphed over ED. Night all!


Meal planning

I need to take back control of my eating. First step is setting out times to eat- this has helped before. Last time I really focused on this though it was about eating when I didn’t feel like eating- now it’s not eating when I feel like eating (which I feel shameful and disgusting about admitting- but it’s the truth and I need to face up to it).

I’m not focusing so much on what I eat right now (baby steps) but I am going to try focusing on when I eat, so that I have clear distinctions between food time and non-food and hopefully this will stop me feeling like behaviours are running my life.

The plan is 3 meals 2 snacks a day. I’m not going to write what I’ll eat as I think that’s the type of thing I was use to compare myself if someone else wrote it and we all have different nutritional needs. These are the times I’m aiming for tomorrow:

Breakfast 9am (when I get into work after pool)

Snack 1: 11 am

Lunch: 1pm (this might be hard as I usually eat earlier but this is better for being spread across the day)

Snack 2: 4pm (a big one so that it get’s me from end of the day to dinner)

Dinner: as my boyfriend doesn’t know about this my timing is a bit dependent on him but I will ask him that we start having dinner no later than 7.30

One day at time, I’ll keep you updated on how this works out (or if you don’t hear from me you can assume it went disastrously!)

Out of control

I’ve been eating and throwing up all evening and I feel fat, sick and hopeless.

I wish someone could get rid of all food for me and just give me what I need when I need it and restrain me from eating at all   other times. 

I need to break this vicious cycle I’m in but I’m failing every time I try. I have no discipline, no willpower, everything I hate about myself is spread right in front of me every time I start eating. 

These are the things I’ve tried:

Meal planning incl. shopping and arranging with boyfriend what meals we’ll have during the week.

Ensuring I have enough calories over a day.

Taking breaks from the desk to eat.

Making my breakfast and lunch the night before so it’s ready to go. 

Not bringing money out with me so I can’t buy food. 

Distraction – although I haven’t actually had much free time- I’ve been eating while at my computer working – or while with boyfriend and then secret extras.

Ugh. I’m so ashamed of myself. I need a boost to kick start me, but my mood is too flat for me to make that happen. Bulimia and depression are far too good friends, they have completely smothered me. 

Anyone got any wisdom on how they have managed stretches like this?