The hard bit

I increased my meal plan and added in the carbs. Even though I don’t feel like I  should eat more or could bear gaining weight I did it. And so I gained weight, not a massive amount but a definite increase. I freaked out. 

This was the goal, this needs to happen, but it still felt terrible. I think because I didn’t feel or look  ‘underweight’ then real recovery wouldn’t involve gaining. Who was I kidding? The wasteland between underweight and anorexic is purgatory, my lovely counsellor would never let me stay there. So I trusted the process, I did it, and now I feel awful.

I understand I have to go through this bit, I’ve been here before, but I wish I could make people understand how hard it really is.i want to be a healthy weight, but I don’t want to be anything more than this. I love my life at a healthy weight, I see all the benefits, but the moment you put me on the scale I crumble. 

This is the hard bit. This is the piece people don’t recognise, going from healthy to healthier. This is the bit where I grit my teeth and hand on and hope people understand. 

I want to be recovered, I want ED out of my life, I’m going to trust the process, but right now, …well this is just the hard bit ….