Taking care of the little things

Although I am doing kind of crap with the big things at the moment (e.g. stopping purging, keeping a food diary, not binging etc.) I realised today that there are some little things that I can do that will help my overall stress levels and well being. When I write them down they seem so insignificant, and really just part of being a functioning human being, but it’s amazing how much impact not doing them can have on me, and how much I resist doing these tasks sometimes.

So, this evening I:

  • washed the dishes before going to bed
  • put out my gym gear so I don’t have to find it in the dark in the morning and risk waking the boy
  • packed my clothes for post gym (remembering both bras and knickers which is not always a given!)
  • am blogging as I felt so much better for doing it yesterday
  • decided on the first thing I need to do in work tomorrow so I can get on with it without turning on email and getting lost in that
  • took my medication which I forgot this morning

I should also make my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow but honestly I can’t be arsed so I will set my alarm 10 minutes early so I can do it. If I regret that in the morning (which I tend to do) I will publicly declare it so I remind myself to not be lazy!

Anyone else managed a little thing today that might have helped with the big things?

(or if you’ve managed anything about the big things please do share that too! I need inspiration!)

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Hello Sunday Morning

Hello Sunday Morning is a campaign that I stumbled across last year. The aim is to encourage people to rethink their relationship with alcohol and to promote a better drinking culture. When I first came across it I liked the idea of hangover free Sundays and looking at pictures of all the great things people do in life that don’t involve alcohol (the campaign started in Australia so there are typically lots of nice sunny pictures of people doing a variety of cool outdoorsy things! – see website here )

I have a funny relationship with alcohol. It is a massive part of my family life and culture but I am typically the one in my family who drinks the least, is happy to drive, can’t really drink too much anyway, and if I’m honest I’ve always been very nervous of the calories. So, when I talk about giving up alcohol people fin it strange as they don’t really see me as a drinker anyway. But while I may not drink very often, when I do I always feel a little out of control around it. I LOVE a glass of wine at certain times, but it’s very easy for this to turn into three or four glasses of wine which results in drunk me. Given that alcohol is a depressant this tends to not have a good effect on me; I start feeling a bit dull  and it’s very easy for it to end with me wanting to me on my own and crying myself to sleep. Alternatively, it gets me a bit hyper and then I spend the next few days with ‘the fear’ about what I said, what people were thinking about me etc. Like a lot of parts of my life I have never really mastered the grey in between, it tends to be black and white ‘not drinking’ or ‘too drunk’.

After a recent night out resulting in a hangover and a sad mood for a few days after I realised I needed another stretch at giving up completely, to remind myself that I can have lots of fun when not drinking and that it is a relatively simple action I can take which will have a positive impact on my life. Eliminating purging seems impossible at the moment but I am lucky that I feel I can eliminate alcohol in my life (lucky as I’m well aware this would be extremely challenging for some people).

So I am two weeks into my HelloSundayMorning challenge and last night had an absolute ball out with my friends: we chatted and danced and laughed and they commented that it was lovely to see me out (I’ve been avoiding social nights out recently and it’s been too long since I’ve been out with these guys) and that they were impressed I was confident enough to give it socks on the dance floor while sober. I had the nice realisation that when I don’t put alcohol in the mix actually I find it easier to be out with people and while was still doing lots of comparing of my body to others and worrying about how I looked, it wasn’t in such a sad negative way as it is when I’m out and having a drink or two. I woke up this morning with the confidence that I hadn’t said or done anything I regretted and while I’ve been tired all day (I did b/p once this morning so that’s probably the reason) I’ve been feeling quite calm and in a relatively good mood. It’s makes a welcome change! So, a lovely Sunday morning to wrap up my week and a nice positive mood to bring into the week ahead.

If anyone else is doing HSM or has looked at it do let me know! x

Freedom to hang out with ED

I moved in with my boyfriend this year. It’s been fantastic and I love that we’ve taken this step and made this commitment to each other. But…I have to admit it is hard work food-wise sometimes. He’s currently in the kitchen making dinner but all I really want to do is overeat chocolate and purge. I’m ashamed of myself that I’d prefer him to go out so I could left alone with ED.

I don’t know why this is and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the urges. I ate enough today so it’s not that. I did have to give someone some bad news so that’s bothering me a little and I’m tired which doesn’t help. I know riding out the urge will reduce their power and strengthen my ability to manage them in the future, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better about the urges right now.

I’m a bit grumpy about it all aren’t I?! I have a nice weekend ahead so just need to hold on through tonight and have faith in feeling better tomorrow. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to lose if I keep choosing ED, so I will keep on keeping on and go enjoy a pleasant evening with the boy.

If you can’t get out of it, get into it

I have figured out that one way in which I use binge/purging is as a procrastination method. I do also use the classic techniques of cleaning my room, colour sorting my socks and other such emergencies that mean I can’t possibly do the one thing I actually need to do(!), but b/p-ing is definitely one of the strategies I employ.

I was feeling a bit vulnerable this evening, I’ve got a bit of a cold and I was travelling for work so it was a long long day. I knew when I got home I had some chores that needed doing and had to get on with some other routine (but important in terms of recovery) tasks such as packing my bag for tomorrow (to ensure I make my early morning yoga class) and making breakfast and lunch (so I have no excuses to skip meals). I could feel the urge to binge coming on. I didn’t want any particular food, I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I did want the world to stop for a little while and for all the things I needed to do to magically disappear.

However, I’m finally starting to realise that b/p-ing doesn’t work like this. What actually happens is the tasks still need doing and now purging takes so much out of me that I feel less able to get on with things than ever. Of course this makes sense, and any non-ED person could spot this straightaway, but this illness really does distort my view sometime.

So tonight I recited a great motto I learnt from The Happiness Project book ‘If you can’t get out of it, get into it’ so I ate some soup, washed the dishes, tidied the house (left the hoovering for the boy- alls fair in love and housework), put on a wash, packed my bag for the morning and made my lunch and dinner. Now it’s 8pm and I am tucked up in bed feeling delighted with myself. This was a definitely a better outcome that b/p-ing.

And so if I can stay put for the night that will bring me to one whole week without purging-yay me! I know it’s only a short time really but it feels like a miracle from how the last few months have been. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Chocolate peanuts and an almost slip

I just ate a whole bag of chocolate peanuts. It was an excessive amount. I was eating them and realising I was going to have to throw up. How could I possibly live with that many extra calories inside me? I was mad about this as I am 6 days purge free and really wanted to get to a week and now I had ruined it. Somewhere within this anxiety then a little quiet voice reminded me that I hadn’t ruined it yet, that I was still in control and that I had a choice to make: purge now and feel better for a while and then feel awful, or feel awful now for a while and then feel amazing later when I have gotten through it.

I’m excited to say my quiet roar won out, and it’s now an hour later and I haven’t purged. I’m on my way out to meet some girls for a run (I was going anyway- this isn’t a purging thing) and yes I’ll probably feel wobbly and gross for a little while but it won’t last.

Feeling very proud of myself- and amazed I actually made the right decision!

Hope you all have managed to have a positive day too.

Twenty Minutes

I have an unexpected 20 minutes to myself at home (I’m being collected by a friend but they are stuck in traffic). I now have a choice to:

a) purge my lunch as I’m feeling quite full, (although I purposefully at enough so that I wouldn’t be hungry but be stuck with service station options (I do not do well with service stations!)

or

b) get twenty minutes of work done which could really reduce my stress levels for Sunday.

This is when it’s worth not just mindlessly engaging in behaviours! Work it is- I know I’m making the right choice despite what my stomach and the voice in my head are telling me!