Every ‘lapse’ used to result in ‘collapse’ for me.
“I’ve ruined it now I might as well keep going”
“There’s no point in even trying, I keep ending up back here”
“No one can help me, I’m never going to get better”
With time, and professional help, a collapse became rare, and I managed to dust myself off after a few weeks and settle on a ‘relapse’.
“I’ll get back on track at my next appointment”
“I’ll just get to that weight then stop”
“I’ll just finish this food in the house then start again”
However, with more time, easier access to professional support and opening up to my friends, I can now turn a lapse around in a day or two, and lapses remain just that, a lapse, a little bump in my path but not enough to derail me.
“Okay so lunch wasn’t great, but I’ve still got snack and dinner to get back on track”
“Purging that meal wasn’t ideal, but I need to do the next right thing now and eat my snack”
“That seems too scary, it’s okay to default to a safe meal every now and again as long as I reintroduce it tomorrow”
I had one such bump the past few days, and it was a pretty spectacular one in how bad it made me feel, both physically and mentally. For a while I really couldn’t see a way out but I had a counselling appointment yesterday which I kept and we worked through it, wrote a shopping list, planned meals for the week and identified areas I really needed to focus on (carbs and sleep if you’re interested!). Lo and behold I felt better for it and am now focused on getting through this week. From darkness to light, it is possible.
I really wish recovery wasn’t so bumpy and hard and tiring, but it is, that’s just a fact, but it’s not enough of a reason to stop trying, and sometimes it’s nice to look back and see how far you’ve come.
Hugs out there to anyone on the lapse-relapse-collapse spectrum out there, I’m rooting for you.