Indecision

I’m a bit stuck. I’m alone in a hotel room tonight as part of my work trip. I’ve been staying with a friend’s cousin the last few days but now I have a night on my own before flying home. I got to my hotel a few hours ago and have been fighting indecision since then.

I haven’t had any dinner so I really should go find something to eat. However, I’m afraid if I leave the hotel room and find a shop I will buy stuff to binge on. I’m also afraid that even if I manage to buy something ‘safe’ like the salads I’ve been eating the last few nights, I will still want to purge. I’m not convinced the toilets here will be able to take it either (I’m staying in a very budget hotel!) so that is factoring into my choice.

This is when recovery gets a bit tricky- is it better to skip dinner or eat and purge? None of the self-helps books can help me with this choice! There is always the underlying assumption that when in this position I could buy something sensible to eat and just manage it, but honestly I cannot see myself executing such a rationale plan right now. The lady I was staying with gave me a mini bottle of champagne to celebrate my presentation which I have with me. Would a glass of that count as dinner?!

I could go to bed hungry but I’m not sure I’d sleep. Or I’ve just realised I have some oats with me, maybe I could make porridge with the kettle here and then I can eat and not go out? I’d have no oats for breakfast tomorrow then, but maybe I’d feel safer tomorrow anyway as I have to check out so no real option to purge whatever I then buy for tomorrow.

Oats could be a good call here… man, I love wordpress…just writing this blog has helped me figure out something I’ve been stressing about for two hours!!! I also feel I should maybe get out to explore but I have a couple of hours in the morning and could do it then. Is eating oats and not purging rather than exploring just what it takes? Argh, recovery is hard sometimes.

I’m trying to listen to what ED wants me to do. I think it wants me to binge and purge. If that’s the case I should eat oats and stay in. And maybe just sleep and hope the urge will have passed by tomorrow.

Okay, oats, mini champagne and sleep it is. Just an ordinary Tuesday y’know…!

 

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A tiring battle

I have been fighting all day to not binge and purge. I started with a healthy breakfast, did some study, went for a lovely long run in the woods, got home had a healthy lunch and had a sit down.

The urge started coming on as soon as my boyfriend texted to say he would be out for the day with his cousins. I was expecting an hour on my own but not any longer. Usually I love having time to myself but I was anxious today for some reason. I really didn’t want to purge. I just wanted to get on with spring clean and not spend day going back and forth between kitchen and bathroom. I especially didn’t want to go to the shop to buy food that I wouldn’t even enjoy (realising that it wasn’t worth it last week has been good for this). I knew that this was within my power but that I would have to ride out the urge to be achieve this.

The moment I knew I would be alone I felt ‘too full’. I argued with myself about that this was in my head, as a moment ago I had been fine. I implemented distractions and started cleaning. I did a good sort out of papers which always makes me feel good, but the whole time I had the voice telling me I should purge. I was at battle with myself, one part of me telling myself to let the feelings wash over me and they will subside, and the other part saying just go purge you must do this.

I lasted two hours and then drank some chocolate milk just so I could be sick. I was crying while making the milk as I felt so beaten. I don’t know how I can explain that I can know what’s right and wrong and yet have no control over how I act. I pulled it back from there so and got on with my day, but then when I realised my boyfriend wouldn’t be back for dinner I ate something just so I could be sick again. I then went to shops to get milk for the morning and managed this fine without buying anything else. When my boyfriend got home then I ate a small supper with him.

In some ways this was a positive day in that I didn’t binge, and that I stayed in the moment and really felt what was going on. I really did try to ‘ride out the waves of the urge’ but it requires so much more than that. I was fighting tooth and nail to not purge, I stopped eating, I distracted, I waited until the fullness had ceased, and then I still got sick. Riding out the urge is a complete understatement of what it takes sometimes in recovery. While on the outside I have had a good day and got what I needed done, for hours and hours of this day I have been fighting a tiring, pointless, repetitive, frustrating battle in my head.

I am so tired of my eating disorder. I’m tired of how bad it makes me feel and I’m tired from fighting it to stop it making me feel so bad. But I know the alternative, not fighting, is exhausting too. So all I can do is keep going. “If you’re going through hell…keep going”.

 

Freedom to hang out with ED

I moved in with my boyfriend this year. It’s been fantastic and I love that we’ve taken this step and made this commitment to each other. But…I have to admit it is hard work food-wise sometimes. He’s currently in the kitchen making dinner but all I really want to do is overeat chocolate and purge. I’m ashamed of myself that I’d prefer him to go out so I could left alone with ED.

I don’t know why this is and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the urges. I ate enough today so it’s not that. I did have to give someone some bad news so that’s bothering me a little and I’m tired which doesn’t help. I know riding out the urge will reduce their power and strengthen my ability to manage them in the future, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better about the urges right now.

I’m a bit grumpy about it all aren’t I?! I have a nice weekend ahead so just need to hold on through tonight and have faith in feeling better tomorrow. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to lose if I keep choosing ED, so I will keep on keeping on and go enjoy a pleasant evening with the boy.

Behaviour-free day at home

My appointment with my nurse got cancelled this morning so I decided to spend the day at home as I didn’t need to be out and about.

I had the house to myself and a while ago this would have resulted in at least one episode of b/p, and most likely a continuous stream of it throughout the day. Today though I managed to fight it, and while the day’s not quite over I’m nicely full from dinner and I’m feeling fine about the couple of hours before bed.

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And again and again

I don’t want to have to write this but part of me starting this blog was so that I would be honest with myself and face up to my behaviours and my thoughts.

I had a shower, I made my lunch and got my stuff ready for tomorrow and then I decided to make crumble to bring over to my boyfriend’s. I fancied something sweet so I thought for safety I would make it and bring it over so I would just eat a normal portion. But then there was crumble topping left over and I couldn’t help myself- I started eating it from the bowl and I knew after a few spoons I would want to purge so I kept going. So I ate the remainder (probably enough for an entire other crumble, bleurgh) and then got sick.

I’m feeling fairly crap now. I regret it and I wish I had just thrown the extra topping away (so wasteful- because eating and purging isn’t wasteful???!!!) or had stopped myself soon enough that I didn’t feel like I needed to be sick. I probably shouldn’t have made crumble at all to be honest, but at least I thought about bringing it to my boyfriend to be safe so I was trying! And I didn’t let the crumble eating turn into a large binge. So there are lessons learnt.

This isn’t going to be a straight journey. Falling off is part of it, as long as I keep getting back on I’m doing okay. Giving in is not an option. I’m drafting up a plan for the next few nights so I can make sure I know what I need to do.

Now, off to my boyfriend’s with the crumble!

Getting back on track

After giving into the crazies yesterday I’m now sitting here trying to resist the urge to overeat. I not hungry and it isn’t that there’s something I particularly want to eat, I’m just very used to this being my pattern and doing it yesterday has made it very easy for me to slip back into thinking it’s okay. But I’m going to write this and then have a shower to warm myself up then make my lunch for tomorrow and head over to my boyfriends. That seems like a far more sensible and nice use of my time.

It’s hard after a blip, but that’s another reason why it’s worth doing everything I can to make sure they don’t happen too often. Onwards, upwards.

A nicer kind of relaxing

One of the things that the hateful food diaries I completed while seeing ED nurse showed was that when I needed/wanted to have a break from the world and relax I had a tendency to hide in my room, eat in bed, watch mindless TV on laptop and then purge, and sometimes repeat this process more than once.

At some point maybe this did work for me but certainly for the last year or so all it has really done is drain me. I would feel physically rough and mentally beaten, just waiting for sleep and a new day to put distance between me and my failings.

So today when I was tired and feeling a bit sorry for myself I knew I needed to try something different. It still involved indulgent TV but it was on the sofa with a blanket, a proper meal (veggie sausage pitta and veggies), a great chat with a friend abroad and working out some dates for different stuff next year. It was a really nice relaxing evening where I also managed to do things I’d been meaning to do for a while.

I had some seriously STRONG sugar cravings for a good hour or so and I was really tempted to pop to the shops but I knew it would only end in a binge, so instead i made some stewed apple and rhubarb with porridge oats crumble. I had a massive portion as I really wanted that feeling of full-ness (yes, the same feeling I dread- this makes no sense to me either!) but actually once I eliminate purging as an option in my head then overeating doesn’t have the same kick. I just felt a bit bleurgh after it to be honest and now I’m wide awake at 1,30am.

But I do feel relaxed and the best bit is that when I wake up tomorrow I will get to feel proud of myself rather than have to suffer the post b/p hangover. Need to store this positive outcome in my brain for next time!