Indecision

I’m a bit stuck. I’m alone in a hotel room tonight as part of my work trip. I’ve been staying with a friend’s cousin the last few days but now I have a night on my own before flying home. I got to my hotel a few hours ago and have been fighting indecision since then.

I haven’t had any dinner so I really should go find something to eat. However, I’m afraid if I leave the hotel room and find a shop I will buy stuff to binge on. I’m also afraid that even if I manage to buy something ‘safe’ like the salads I’ve been eating the last few nights, I will still want to purge. I’m not convinced the toilets here will be able to take it either (I’m staying in a very budget hotel!) so that is factoring into my choice.

This is when recovery gets a bit tricky- is it better to skip dinner or eat and purge? None of the self-helps books can help me with this choice! There is always the underlying assumption that when in this position I could buy something sensible to eat and just manage it, but honestly I cannot see myself executing such a rationale plan right now. The lady I was staying with gave me a mini bottle of champagne to celebrate my presentation which I have with me. Would a glass of that count as dinner?!

I could go to bed hungry but I’m not sure I’d sleep. Or I’ve just realised I have some oats with me, maybe I could make porridge with the kettle here and then I can eat and not go out? I’d have no oats for breakfast tomorrow then, but maybe I’d feel safer tomorrow anyway as I have to check out so no real option to purge whatever I then buy for tomorrow.

Oats could be a good call here… man, I love wordpress…just writing this blog has helped me figure out something I’ve been stressing about for two hours!!! I also feel I should maybe get out to explore but I have a couple of hours in the morning and could do it then. Is eating oats and not purging rather than exploring just what it takes? Argh, recovery is hard sometimes.

I’m trying to listen to what ED wants me to do. I think it wants me to binge and purge. If that’s the case I should eat oats and stay in. And maybe just sleep and hope the urge will have passed by tomorrow.

Okay, oats, mini champagne and sleep it is. Just an ordinary Tuesday y’know…!

 

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Was it worth it?

I binged and purged this morning. I had a couple of free hours at home and that’s what I did with my time. I fell asleep afterwards and I’ve now woken up with a horribly sore throat and a nauseous stomach.

Was it worth it? No.

I’m trying to unpick why I keep doing it. I binged on iced fingers and donuts and I enjoyed the first 3 iced fingers and then after that I was only eating so I could purge. So I got about 5 mins of enjoyment from it and then after that it was pretty miserable. Sometimes I enjoy the purging but today because I was trying to stay in the moment it wasn’t nice- my throat was really sore. So for 5 minutes of enjoyment I have wasted 5 hours (the eating, purging, and sleeping) and now I feel gross.

Was it worth it? No.

I’m trying to work on my purging and really think about it before and after – but doing so makes me sad. I feel nothing but bad things: as well as a sore throat and nausea I feel shame, guilt, disappointment. I understand why I need to do this for my recovery, I need to think of what purging actually does for me so I remember that before I start eating, I need to rewire my brain to not associate purging with a nice time for myself.

It was not worth it. I need to learn this.

Freedom to hang out with ED

I moved in with my boyfriend this year. It’s been fantastic and I love that we’ve taken this step and made this commitment to each other. But…I have to admit it is hard work food-wise sometimes. He’s currently in the kitchen making dinner but all I really want to do is overeat chocolate and purge. I’m ashamed of myself that I’d prefer him to go out so I could left alone with ED.

I don’t know why this is and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the urges. I ate enough today so it’s not that. I did have to give someone some bad news so that’s bothering me a little and I’m tired which doesn’t help. I know riding out the urge will reduce their power and strengthen my ability to manage them in the future, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better about the urges right now.

I’m a bit grumpy about it all aren’t I?! I have a nice weekend ahead so just need to hold on through tonight and have faith in feeling better tomorrow. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to lose if I keep choosing ED, so I will keep on keeping on and go enjoy a pleasant evening with the boy.

Chocolate peanuts-round 2

I’m sitting here feeling full and sick after eating a whole bag of chocolate peanuts. Why does that sound familiar? Oh yeah, because I did the exact same thing on Wednesday. How many times do I have to repeat the same mistakes before I learn from them and make better choices?

I popped into the shops to get essentials. I knew I was going to get something sweet as I had been wanting something all day but I was really certain I wasn’t going to binge on them. I had a small handful in the car and another small handful when I got home. I put them away then and felt really good about it and in control and then about 30 minutes later I thought ‘I’ll just have a couple more’ and boom, there goes the whole bag. 1000 calories and 80 g fat. Urgh.

I very nearly purged but I know that if I do I will think it is an answer, and it’s not the right one. The right one is not to eat until I feel sick. The right answer is the action which leads me closer to recovery so I’m here blogging instead. I’m running a half marathon tomorrow so at least that will burn off some calories (I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that but it does make me feel less panicky now).

Although this is not the ideal situation, two weeks go I would have purged without giving it a second thought so this is progress even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Hard work this recovery lark though!

The ghost of binges past- thanks Tesco :/

I’m having a wobbly evening. I’m feeling too full and I know all it would take for me to throw up would be to be lean over some kind of toilet/container/bag but I am really trying not to. I have this thing about dividing purging into voluntary and involuntary: I think my body is so used to me being sick that it really doesn’t know what to do with a proper amount of food and sometimes I get sick even when I don’t really mean to (although ED nurse would argue I can stop it and don’t sometimes so that’s up for debate!)

But it wasn’t a binge, it was lentil stewp (my new favourite word, thanks bubblesandbooyah!), crusty bread and butter and a mince pie. I had a glass of wine too so I don’t know if that’s why I feel a bit vulnerable, but I actively chose a glass of wine over a binge so it should’ve been okay. It’s not that I’m afraid I will put on weight from that food, it’s just that I feel too full and I have no idea how to cope with that.

Anyway, I’m sitting here writing instead of throwing up (I’ve also distracted by texting, checking emails and putting up Christmas tree but still feeling crappy) and I opened my mail and Tesco had very kindly send me some extra Christmas vouchers. Except Tesco sends you things based on your frequent purchases so mine included Jelly Babies; Frijj milkshakes; Soreen malt loaf; grapes and yoghurt. All binge foods. Seriously, what a sign to ‘sit with feelings of full ness’- even Tesco knows I have Bulimia!

So I will continue to distract by going to bed- sleep really is my safest option!

It would be so easy to throw up right now, but I’m never going to get past this if I always choose the easy route. And this is day 5. I want day 5 more than I want to be sick. I want my life more than I want my ED- I know this but I still want to be sick! Argh! Deep breaths, sleep, and tomorrow is another day! x