Commitment

I am committed this time. I can see that what I have tried hasn;t worked and I need to let it go. I’m never going to be the the anorexic I so desperately wanted to be. And that’s okay, well it will have to be okay, because I am so many other things. I have a full life and I do not need my ED in it any longer. I have to make room in my life for ED now, and that is coming from my career, my friendships, my relationships. I am choosing my failing dream of being thin over the potential for a family, my PhD, social experiences, and that is a decision I will surely regret later, so I have to make a different choice.

I dread the inevitable weight gain but I know I can’t fight science and also I feel now that body could do with a chance at being properly healthy (not food restriction ‘healthy’). My mind could also – I am so fed up of feeling so crazy around food. I have been a valuable opportunity at a relatively good time and I need to make the most of this. I need to show I’m grateful by giving it my best shot. I’m nervous as the reality of addressing some food rules which have governed my life for years is likely to be pretty tough, but I’m tough. This is my chance to be free, so yes I am committed this time.

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2 thoughts on “Commitment

  1. what have you tried before? I’m curious what hasn’t worked for you? Maybe we can recover together? How long have you had an ED? The weight gain scares me, I’ve gained so much and still gaining. Even though I don’t weigh myself i can tell other ways. Hope you are doing fantastic xxx

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  2. I mostly meant trying to keep my ED hasn’t worked for me, that pursuing thinness has never led to good outcomes. I’ve also tried recovery but within my safe ED boundaries, so not gaining too much and not breaking all my rules, but I keep ending up back here so I’m going to really go for it this time, do what is needed and not negotiate myself out the hard stuff. Weight gain is terrifying, but I accept now that I can’t fight my genetics, my body will do what it wants to do, and I can’t recover if I’m still trying to manipulate it. I’m hoping my positivity will last once the challenges start rolling in! Hope you’re doing okay too x

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