I am committed this time. I can see that what I have tried hasn;t worked and I need to let it go. I’m never going to be the the anorexic I so desperately wanted to be. And that’s okay, well it will have to be okay, because I am so many other things. I have a full life and I do not need my ED in it any longer. I have to make room in my life for ED now, and that is coming from my career, my friendships, my relationships. I am choosing my failing dream of being thin over the potential for a family, my PhD, social experiences, and that is a decision I will surely regret later, so I have to make a different choice.
I dread the inevitable weight gain but I know I can’t fight science and also I feel now that body could do with a chance at being properly healthy (not food restriction ‘healthy’). My mind could also – I am so fed up of feeling so crazy around food. I have been a valuable opportunity at a relatively good time and I need to make the most of this. I need to show I’m grateful by giving it my best shot. I’m nervous as the reality of addressing some food rules which have governed my life for years is likely to be pretty tough, but I’m tough. This is my chance to be free, so yes I am committed this time.