The right question about the wrong behaviour

I’ve just finished writing a progress report for my PhD which had to be submitted today. I’ve known this was due for a month but it has only just got done. In my defence my workload is ridiculous at the moment, but those of here in this little corner of the internet also know that I’ve been wasting plenty of time hiding in my chair and engaging in behaviours. So now it’s sent I’m asking myself why do I do this to myself? but then a little voice of reason pipes up and says maybe I should be asking that about bulimia and not just my study habits. I should be challenging why I spent two hour earlier eating and vomiting  and not just my procrastination tendency.

Why do I do it to myself? My eating disorder. Why do it do it? That’s the topic I should be addressing. Not tonight though, I’m exhausted, but as I summit these work deadlines I need to stop avoiding the real issue and start properly tackling it again.

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4 thoughts on “The right question about the wrong behaviour

  1. Age-old conundrum. For me, it’s releasing pressure, restriction, not feeling worthy, feeling like a fraud, not being good enough, boredom, anger, the quest to lose weight. So many factors, I used to also use it as self-sabotage and punishment. I’ve been doing a lot of research and came across some stuff that sort of hit home, that all eating disorders are based in restriction wherever they fall on the spectrum and care teams shouldn’t be focusing on eliminating purging behaviours but working on the restriction as it’s the place it all stems from. This hit home quite a lot and made sense. Maybe that’s the place to start but then that also means letting go of all the beliefs we have and accepting our genetic set-point. And for me at this time, I find it incomprehensible because I know all the other crap that comes with it. But then if my self esteem was bullet-proof, I wouldn’t be so affected by the wayward and ill-educated comments that get thrown my way with any chance in weight, shape or size. It’s like a dog chasing it’s tail. Lots of love xx

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    1. Your factors sound very similar to my factors. How is possible to address all of them?! I agree about the restriction point, and my counsellor is very clear about this, but it has been a sticking point for me because I can’t handle my set point. I managed to up my calories and eat sufficiently and regularly, but she called me out on not eating completely freely and still being quite rigid with my rules and what is allowed. She’s right, I know she is. I watch other people in recovery (in the youtube/ instagram rabbit holes that I also need to address) eating all this stuff that I would never be able to touch without purging because if I did I would gain and I don’t want to gain anymore. I’m stuck where you are. I don’t know how I can get past this, but I’m starting to realise that until I do I’m going to stay stuck in this vicious cycle. It’s rotten and I’m sorry you’re stuck here too.

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      1. I hear ya. The chains are invisible but undeniably shackling. I dunno, I don’t binge/purge as in SIV anymore or weigh myself but it’s morphed into something else which isn’t the same as before but equally as disordered. I entered recovery but then somehow restricted before Christmas, clothes felt better and now it’s stupid calories counting, exercise-purging, obsessing and trying on volumes of clothes to body check (no different from weighing). I deluded myself that this was recovery because I wasn’t weighing or vomiting but it’s clearly not. I don’t know whether I’m miserable or just numb. But like you, so many things I will not be able to eat. I see people relishing burgers with no afterthought, devouring donuts, cheat days and they accept the bloating, water retention etc after. If I feel even remotely bloated or water retentive, it sticks me in a funk all day and I then get zero choice in clothes I want to wear because I actually would prefer to stay in and look at The Pink Wall rather than anybody look at me in my skin. I hope we both find some peace. We both deserve some. It’s that last little piece. If we could find that last little piece, what is it, what gets us to full recovery status?

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  2. Ugh the body checking. And the clothes choosing. So much stress and so much wasted time. I’m wearing the same clothes over and over as it’s far too complicated to figure out alternatives. Weirdly, the bloating doesn’t affect me too much as I just feel fat anyway, when bloated it helps me think it’s not real fat – so small mercies I guess! Sending you some comfort for pink wall times. Oh if only we could find that last magic piece…

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