Rituals

Something I’ve noticed as part of this most recent slide is some new compulsive rituals. OCD has been something I’ve had since a very young age but wasn’t diagnosed until I started with ED services. Some of it has obviously been very related to my ED e.g. food rituals but the intrusive thoughts have been separate to these and I have some compulsions that are not food related. It’s never really been addressed in therapy as I think the assumption is that is will resolve when ED does. I’m not so certain about this but it doesn’t overly bother me as most of the rituals that had a bigger functional impact have been managed – and I am so relieved about that as they were so annoying (understatement but the best word I can think of to describe how they were for me). The few ‘low-level’ rituals I have left I can cope with so haven’t thought about them too much, however over the last few weeks/ months I’ve noticed an increase in behaviours which are stressing me out. They’re harmless – finger movements and opening and closing things ‘properly’ but they’re starting to impact on things like leaving the house on time, sleeping and..well…looking like a weirdo in public.

I’m fairly certain it’s just another symptom of being in a bad place so I’m hoping as I come out of that they will decrease, and I know I should stop acting on them, but at the same time there’s other things I should prioritise not acting on so I’m not overly worried about addressing them, but yet I know how these things can slide. I’m also due to give a presentation at the end of the week and I’m already getting ‘rules’ about what I have to do, but not sure how I can do them subtly. I’ve also got a doctor appt and every time I think of it I get a rule about closing the door four times – and it’s a new doctor – how am I meant to have a rational conversation if I start my appointment with that?! But equally, how do I squish that thought when the consequence of not doing it is (according to my twisted brain and its intrusive thoughts) much worse? Argh. I’m hoping writing about these things will help me see them for what they are – just thoughts. I’m not quite at the point of writing down the intrusive thoughts but maybe writing about the rituals will help? Who knows! Worth a try!

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