Well last night was not fun. I had a change of plans leaving me on my own for the night and after a stressful few weeks it all came out in a horrible binge purge self harm session along with some very messy crying. I just kept thinking that I’ve tried all the options available to me and they haven’t worked and that there is nothing that is going to help me stop feeling so down.
BUT! Now it’s daylight and I’ve slept I have a more rational viewpoint. I’m seeing my counsellor next week after a break of a few months and I have to be honest about how I’m feeling. I imagine she’s going to link it to me coming off my anti-depressants (another post!) which is a fair assumption, but I have to be prepared to explain to her why I chose that. I have to follow through with her advice about other stuff, because I can’t be declaring that it absolutely doesn’t help unless I’m actually doing it. And I should make a review appointment with my doctor because again, I can’t say it doesn’t help when I don’t actually go. Now I’m reflecting on it I am feeling a little sheepish because I am very lucky to have options.
I also have to be consistent in doing the things I do know help. I haven’t been swimming in weeks even though it’s the best form of ‘stopping the world’ for me. I’ve been running but it’s all been tied up in bad body image so while it’s exercise which should help, it’s not been the nice kind. I haven’t had enough sleep all week so I was exhausted yesterday which contributed. I’ve been doing PhD work the last few weekends without a day off, and as much as I want to be able to work like that I can’t. I also haven’t been writing or talking, so all of the nasty thoughts have just been bubbling away in me.
Having written this all down I can see pretty clearly how it all built up to yesterday, feeling pretty stupid for it catching it earlier. But what’s done is done, and I can only learn for next time. And indeed the fact that it has been so long since I’ve had a night like that is a really positive thing.
The dawn always comes. And it’s sunny now and the birds are chirping so I’m going to go out for a walk and start my day well.
Hope you’re all doing okay x