I need to break the block of writing here again so here is a list of random thoughts that are not really intended for anyone to read.
- I gained weight to the highest amount I have ever been and I cannot cope with it. I am at a healthy weight but I can’t bear to look at myself and feeling myself in this body brings me to tears or self-harm frequently.
- I cancelled an appointment with my counsellor two months ago and haven’t been able to bring myself to reschedule as I didn’t feel like she really understood the pain I felt at being this weight.
- I followed this with three weeks of full on bulimia i.e. planned binges, repeated binge-purging. It felt liberating and to be honest, enjoyable, until suddenly it was not and I stated cancelling plans, got quite sick and cracked two teeth in the process.
- I am now in the process of getting back on my meal plan and trying to acknowledge binge urges and see them just as neurological junk.
- I would like to lose weight but it is not happening and I am trying to not fall apart due to this.
- I have come off my anti-depressants with the help of my doctor as I felt they were making me apathetic and were no longer helping with the mood or the binge-purging anyway. I’m pleased with this decision as while I am a bit more tearful I am also being more pro-active about using other strategies to support my mood.
- I was in a new relationship and things were all going well and we were making plans, then last week he suddenly decided he wanted a break as I didn’t have enough time for him. I’m really sad by this, but equally I can’t magic more time out of thin air and have to look after myself too.
- I stopped running over winter as part of tackling my exercise compulsion, but in hindsight it led to quite a low mood over the winter and I won’t be experimenting with that again. It also contributed to the weight gain so you can imagine how I feel about that. I am back running now but I’m slow and unfit so currently trying to deal with the voices in my head about that.
- I started a new job and it is great. I am still doing my PhD and that is not great.
So overall a mixed bag, lots of negative re: ED and mood, but I am present and engaged and taking ownership of it, and importantly I know I will be okay, and that bit of hope is enough to keep me swimming, however hard it might be.
“The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it”
Woodrow T. Wilson