Where I’m at

I need to break the block of writing here again so here is a list of random thoughts that are not really intended for anyone to read.

  • I gained weight to the highest amount I have ever been and I cannot cope with it. I am at a healthy weight but I can’t bear to look at myself and feeling myself in this body brings me to tears or self-harm frequently.
  • I cancelled an appointment with my counsellor two months ago and haven’t been able to bring myself to reschedule as I didn’t feel like she really understood the pain I felt at being this weight.
  • I followed this with three weeks of full on bulimia i.e. planned binges, repeated binge-purging. It felt liberating and to be honest, enjoyable, until suddenly it was not and I stated cancelling plans, got quite sick and cracked two teeth in the process.
  • I am now in the process of getting back on my meal plan and trying to acknowledge binge urges and see them just as neurological junk.
  • I would like to lose weight but it is not happening and I am trying to not fall apart due to this.
  • I have come off my anti-depressants with the help of my doctor as I felt they were making me apathetic and were no longer helping with the mood or the binge-purging anyway. I’m pleased with this decision as while I am a bit more tearful I am also being more pro-active about using other strategies to support my mood.
  • I was in a new relationship and things were all going well and we were making plans, then last week he suddenly decided he wanted a break as I didn’t have enough time for him. I’m really sad by this, but equally I can’t magic more time out of thin air and have to look after myself too.
  • I stopped running over winter as part of tackling my exercise compulsion, but in hindsight it led to quite a low mood over the winter and I won’t be experimenting with that again. It also contributed to the weight gain so you can imagine how I feel about that. I am back running now but I’m slow and unfit so currently trying to deal with the voices in my head about that.
  • I started a new job and it is great. I am still doing my PhD and that is not great.

So overall a mixed bag, lots of negative re: ED and mood, but I am present and engaged and taking ownership of it, and importantly I know I will be okay, and that bit of hope is enough to keep me swimming, however hard it might be.

“The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it” 

Woodrow T. Wilson

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10 thoughts on “Where I’m at

  1. Missed you. Glad you’re writing and what a journey you’ve had recently. I can relate to your experience so much. It’s unbearably devastating and I know how vile it is to exist in skin when it feels like it’s too big and the weight we see is unacceptable.

    I really suffered horrendously in a very similar way from early October through to the end of December which saw me drowning my disgust in desperation in copious amounts of alcohol in the end (my version of self-harm, although I have also self-injured habitually in the past, to drown the critical voice and numb the disgust of the bodyweight increase). The alcohol empty calories adding to the extra weight not shifting. 10 years in an anorexic relapse, the weight gain was unbearable and I felt like a failure and there was nothing to call my own if that makes sense? In the end the bulimia, dysmorphia and depression took me to a rehab centre where I stayed for 4 weeks putting myself back together again piece by piece with 24 hour support from the staff. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

    Radical acceptance. It’s something I thought was a pile of old bollocks. But having now established 5 months free of binge/purge (not done more than 5 weeks since I was 18) my weight has come down dramatically because I’m not puffy with the water retention from the chaos and my body is processing food efficiently for the first time in years.

    It’s been a helluva journey and I know better days are possible. The body dysmorphia aspect of eating disorders and how it makes us feel in our skin is the one thing I have found to be the hardest to cope with so I just wanted to say, I hear you and I really do get it.

    I’m not going to suggest anything because I know you are the expert on you and how it works for you. But I do want to remind you that you are enough and you provide so much encouragement and awareness for others. Your insights have certainly helped me at some of my darkest moments, reminding me I wasn’t alone in all this mud I felt I was drowning in. Thank you and I’m sending you lots of best wishes and sunflowers for the next part of your journey 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your wonderful reply. You’ve no idea how helpful your words are. And yes, radical acceptance!!honestly it hasn’t even entered my mind that I could just try accept how things are with my body. Honestly that really challenges my mindset and it just what I needed. If you have any other nuggets of wisdom please do suggest them!
      It sounds like you’ve had a rough old time of it too, but how amazing that you have made it 5 months, that is such an accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself -I certainly am impressed and it gives me hope xxx

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      1. Just taking it day by day. It’s been a process and I’ve just had to simplify my life and accept where I am in any given minute. Otherwise I’m missing out and I deserve better. I mean did we kill anyone? No to dish out the brutality we are guilty of to our own souls is really sad. Let’s tread this recovery path together gal. One step at a time xxxx

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  2. xo I’m so glad you got back to writing this blog, I’m going to try pick mine up again too!! you inspire me girl and I’ve missed you!!!!

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    1. I’m back but a bit hit and miss with it – got lots of support from it on last couple of posts though so I don’t know why don’t do it more- wordpress people are just lovely (you included!). How are you doing?

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      1. I know, wordpress tribe is a blessing (you included too!) I’m WIPED out, I just moved house, I’m half way through unpacking – still have loads of crap to sort through back in my old apartment but settling in well here so far! My new place is beautiful but up a serious hill, so steep I had to get off and push my bike up just now, something I’ve never had to do in all my biking life!!! I’m out of treatment since March and doing well! It was totally terrifying but I’m glad to be a bit more confident about managing things and trusting myself x I also got through the year in college whoohoooo!!! and am looking forward to going back in September 🙂 Student life is gooooooood – kind of keeping an eye out for a job too but didn’t get the last one I applied for… not even an interview :O but hey, it’s nice to feel enthusiastic 😉 and to even be applying for a job!! 😀

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      2. Congrats on the move! I lived up a hill like that in my last house, it was just about manageable, but only if I was feeling brave and had no bags, and I nearly fell off my bike more than once!
        I’m glad you’re doing well ED wise, I bet the transition out of treatment was hard – well done for managing. And yay for your completing the year in college, glad you’re enjoying student life! What are you studying?

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      3. xo hey 🙂 yay, so great to hear from you and reconnect! I went back to college to study Creative Writing and Cultural Studies, it was a one year course when I began but they’ve extended it for another year so I’m going to try and put together a novel/collection of short stories or poetry or something !! whoohooo! omg thanks for giving me hope on the hill being manageable! my landlady said that she used to try to cycle up the hill as training for her Paris to Nice cycle (!! omg I would love to do that some day!!) and she fell off because it is so pot holed and bendy!! yep me too, I just feel like I am want to be well and keep myself healthy enough to enjoy life a bit more. It’s taken me ages to be able to rest and enjoy things so I’m not letting go of that any time soon!!!
        Some days are still hard though and my body image is out of whack but… actually I’m hoping that the hill is going to help me let go of my exercise compulsion a little? if I’m walking up that hill to get home I don’t think I’ll need to do my other things… time will tell!

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      4. I love that you’re going to put together a collection! I’ll read it! I’m rooting for you with the exercise addiction- it’s something I’ve made quite a bit of progress on – by repeatedly doing opposite actions – if ‘voice’ tells me to run in morning I leave it and see if I choose to later, if it says walk instead of bus I get bus, in fact just got out of pool 5 mins earlier than planned as loads of people got in and ruined me calm, previously I would have had to stay in and be grumpy, I didn’t even think of it until writing this! It honestly gets easier the more you do it, I do struggle now with not being as fit, especially when comparing to running friends, but I can talk myself down by reminding myself that it’s my path. Just need to keep forging on with food stuff now! X

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