Lapse-relapse-collapse

Every ‘lapse’ used to result in ‘collapse’ for me. 

“I’ve ruined it now I might as well keep going”

“There’s no point in even trying, I keep ending up back here”

“No one can help me, I’m never going to get better”

With time, and professional help, a collapse became rare, and I managed to dust myself off after a few weeks and settle on a ‘relapse’. 

“I’ll get back on track at my next appointment”

“I’ll just get to that weight then stop”

“I’ll just finish this food in the house then start again”

However, with more time, easier access to professional support and opening up to my friends, I can now turn a lapse around in a day or two, and lapses remain just that, a lapse, a little bump in my path but not enough to derail me. 

“Okay so lunch wasn’t great, but I’ve still got snack and dinner to get back on track”

“Purging that meal wasn’t ideal, but I need to do the next right thing now and eat my snack”

“That seems too scary, it’s okay to default to a safe meal every now and again as long as I reintroduce it tomorrow”

I had one such bump the past few days, and it was a pretty spectacular one in how bad it made me feel, both physically and mentally. For a while I really couldn’t see a way out but I had a counselling appointment yesterday which I kept and we worked through it, wrote a shopping list, planned meals for the week and identified areas I really needed to focus on (carbs and sleep if you’re interested!). Lo and behold I felt better for it and am now focused on getting through this week. From darkness to light, it is possible. 

I really wish recovery wasn’t so bumpy and hard and tiring,  but it is, that’s just a fact, but it’s not enough of a reason to stop trying, and sometimes it’s nice to look back and see how far you’ve come. 

Hugs out there to anyone on the lapse-relapse-collapse spectrum out there, I’m rooting for you. 

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4 thoughts on “Lapse-relapse-collapse

  1. I’ve said all those things! Ugh, it seems a never ending cycle. I just saw my nutritionist who told me, because of my recent behavior, I went backwards in my body comps and have to make up time to get back to where I was just a few weeks ago. I tried yesterday thinking that I could show him how I could get back on track on my own but that failed. Even today has been abysmal up till my appointment. When I have a surgical procedure I miss maybe two meals till I get home but that is enough to set it all off again. I want to have the healthy thoughts you listed. I want to be able to acknowledge that my day wasn’t perfect but that’s okay. He told me I need to eat then sit and breathe with it, feel the emotions instead of running from them, getting rid of them. It’s just so hard, but at the same time seems so ridiculous. I mean, it’s just food right? People feel full and don’t even think about it!

    Tomorrow I have to face a big bowl of granola. I think I’ll do it right before my therapy appointment so she can help me through the stress of it all. Thanks for writing this, I hadn’t got past the fear of just eating it till I read your post. Eating it then seeing her seems like a better idea. Thanks for this.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I didn’t. My last post was about that who debacle (granola and appointment). I’ll start again soon though. I don’t want it to turn into a fear food.

        I wish I could swim again. I’m on exercise restriction and can’t trust myself at a pool, to not swim. I enjoyed it when I did swim so that’s good. 🙂

        Like

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