Give it time 

On Monday 18th January 1993 I declared in my first ever diary that I was too fat and I was going on a diet. (In fact I wrote ‘I’m to fat’ – clearly I wasn’t proof reading my entries!)

That statement was the beginning of a near-lifetime experience of disordered eating. 24 years have passed -which is probably more than a lifetime for some of you- and I am still working on recovery. 

It’s taking a while, I have sprints and bursts, and then pauses and set backs. I’ve taken some diversions along the way. I’ve thrown myself in fully, then pulled myself right back out and run and hid. However I can say that for the past few years I have been really trying. I don’t even know what the destination is somedays, what will recovery will look like for me?,  but I know I’m working towards something that is better than before. 

I owe it to the young scared version of myself to aim for a life without fear of food and hatred of my body. I can’t re-do the past years but I can set the tone for the next however many I am lucky to get. 

I’m prepared to be patient and to give it time. I gave ED so many years, why would I not commit to giving recovery the same? However tired I am of fighting, it’s still a better day than without trying. 

So on Wenesday 28th June 2017 I shall declare not that I’m too fat, but that I’m too determined to not see this through. Recovery- I shall give you all the time that it needs. 

(And now I shall go meet my friends for pizza and wine because when you can do that on a Wednesday for £10 why would you not?!) 

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6 thoughts on “Give it time 

  1. “It’s taking a while, I have sprints and bursts, and then pauses and set backs. I’ve taken some diversions along the way. I’ve thrown myself in fully, then pulled myself right back out and run and hid.”

    Wow, yeah… same here. That is so well put for my long years. You’re ahead of me on the recovery path so it inspires me that you are able to say what you did at the end. I am still twisted up with body image. I’m still embarrassed to be seen in my body. Even in program I feel guilty for talking about it because we have several B.E.D’s there too. One woman is overtly jealous and makes comments that she wishes she could be like us. How does one respond to that? Another calls us the skinny minis even though none of us feel that way. I even sized everyone up (can’t help it) and I’m the biggest of the anorexics. Well, I’ve never really had an actual perception of what my size is so that could possibly be off but still. It’s so hard to focus on group topics because I’m obsessed with thoughts of having to eat, not being allowed to exercise and being in a body that I hate. Yet, I keep going. I do have faith in my team. I keep trying new things. Many things fail but some things work. It’s exceptionally hard to admit that I do feel and am functioning better.

    I appreciate blogs like yours where you talk about struggles you still have but also are able to admit, even embrace, the positives that are happening along your journey.

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  2. oh my good lord I just love this MQR 🙂 this has revived my soul today and given me a much needed boost xxx thank you 🙂 Em

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  3. Hey! I found your blog as I am currently at the start of my recovery awaiting referral to an eating disorder clinic..it’s great to read the point of view from someone who is down that path as it is a terrifying place to be headed! I have just started my own blog and would really appreciate a visit and for you to read my posts and any tips and advice on blogging and of course living with an ED is so welcome!
    Thank you so much, I hope you’re well and I’ll continue to read your blog 🙂
    Amy xx

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