A nugget of gold from my counsellor 

I’ve been lying low the last few weeks which generally means I haven’t been having a great time- just the usual low mood eating disorder crap coupled with horrendous body image as I have gained some (necessary, according to my counsellor) weight. I felt like I was just stuck in the same kind of place I’d been in before and with nothing new to share about it, just needed to ride it out and hope it passed. 

I had a much needed session with my counsellor yesterday and she has managed to inspire a kindling of fighting spirit. She reminded me that all the horrible voices are thoughts are part of the illness and while they might grow stronger as I fight them, recovery will be what eventually silences them.

I talked about how awful I feel at what might be my set point and how I don’t think I can tolerate being there, that I have too many bad memories of feeling so rubbish about my body and about how out of control I felt that I didn’t see the point in getting there to bring that all back- if I’m going to feel rubbish I would prefer to be a lower weight and rubbish. 

But then came the nugget of gold wisdom from her- she reminded me that I have never been well at that weight before. So while I have been at that weight maybe about 4 times, at all of them I was still purging, or bingeing and purging. I have had this eating disorder for 20+ years now, really my body doesn’t know what it feels like to be well for any extended period of time, I can’t predict that I will feel the same as I did before as it won’t be the same as it was before, I wasn’t structured eating, I wasn’t not binging, I wasn’t not purging, I was not restricting. 

This little fact gave me hope that maybe things will be different this time and that I need to keep trusting the process and be open to the possibility that maybe after all of this things will be okay. I just needed something to cling on to to convince myself to keep going and I think she provided it in that once sentence. I need to remain optimistic that maybe I can gain weight and actually be okay with it. Eek!

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3 thoughts on “A nugget of gold from my counsellor 

  1. Wow, great post! I remember being given the exercise, in treatment, where we were supposed to imagine what our life would be like without the eating disorder. What? Really? I can’t remember life before the eating disorder, period. How could I possibly conceive of it without it. So its almost like an exploratory recovery process. Everything I experience while getting better is actually new. I suppose I ought to be glad I can experience new things at my age, huh.

    My nutritionist said he’d help me get into a body I’d be comfortable with, in order to maintain recovery, but I didn’t believe him. He said he couldn’t do that till I was actually compliant and allowed my body comps to improve. He simply wouldn’t know what wasn’t working. Well, to my utter surprise, now that I’ve been compliant for 3 weeks, he’s doing just that. Who knew? My assumption was that all nutritionists wanted to make me fat; if I don’t exercise, I’ll be fat; if I eat carbs I’ll be fat. Well, I’m still on exercise restriction and will be probably the rest of my life. I’m most certainly eating carbs and definitely eating food. I feel fat, I feel like a cow, but somewhere in my rational mind, I know I’m not quite that. I can’t admit that I’m not huge but I’m probably not. I’m definitely not happy in my body though and he is helping me slowly get to a more comfortable size so I can, you know, fit back in my clothes! Yeah, you’re right… the process.

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  2. Trusting the process is hard, you haven’t been here before, you don’t know what to expect, you have no comparative experience. So it’s all new. Is new good? Well, if the old way wasn’t good, there’s a good chance that New will be better! Hang on in there😊 😘😘

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