The hard bit

I increased my meal plan and added in the carbs. Even though I don’t feel like I  should eat more or could bear gaining weight I did it. And so I gained weight, not a massive amount but a definite increase. I freaked out. 

This was the goal, this needs to happen, but it still felt terrible. I think because I didn’t feel or look  ‘underweight’ then real recovery wouldn’t involve gaining. Who was I kidding? The wasteland between underweight and anorexic is purgatory, my lovely counsellor would never let me stay there. So I trusted the process, I did it, and now I feel awful.

I understand I have to go through this bit, I’ve been here before, but I wish I could make people understand how hard it really is.i want to be a healthy weight, but I don’t want to be anything more than this. I love my life at a healthy weight, I see all the benefits, but the moment you put me on the scale I crumble. 

This is the hard bit. This is the piece people don’t recognise, going from healthy to healthier. This is the bit where I grit my teeth and hand on and hope people understand. 

I want to be recovered, I want ED out of my life, I’m going to trust the process, but right now, …well this is just the hard bit ….

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11 thoughts on “The hard bit

  1. Reading this was just like reading my own mind. I’m not underweight by average standards either, but I know I am below my natural set point. Gaining weight is scary. I want to get all the way better to but I feel like my body image is standing in the way. My dietitian said that those fears actually decrease as we eat more and nourish our brains; we are able to think and see ourselves more accurately. Stay strong.

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    1. Yup I feel the same about the body image bit, it’s just really hard accepting what my set point probably is, and what I would like it to be. I’m worried people will think I’ve just ‘let myself go’, but I also know that (i) I can’t predict what people will think (ii) it shouldn’t matter what people think (iii) if I was just open about being in recovery then I could address some of these issues. We can’t reach full recovery without going through this point though, so yes I will stay strong, but I really appreciate the support, thank you so much. x

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  2. You are doing so well, you have come such a long way. It’s like the last few steps to reach the summit of the mountain or cross the finish line. You can do it! And you have crowds cheering you on!
    Why do the crowds cheer you on in a race? Not for them, they aren’t running. But for you, they want to see you succeed and achieve something great, maybe because they can’t, maybe because they hope to one day. We are all cheering you on!

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  3. Aw I love this comment thank you. I was just having a hard night I think, I am feeling a little better today, and a bit more accepting that it’s okay for me to find it hard, but that can’t stop me from soldiering on. It always feel worth it at the finish line!

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  4. I feel like I could have written this post except I am at an average weight. However, I’m fairly certain my body comps today will show the evidence of poor eating. I struggle so much with the confusion of wanting desperately to get better but having actions that shows otherwise. I’d like to think I’m in control but clearly I’m not. I’m glad you are keeping focused and standing strong. I am standing with you!!

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    1. I’m standing with you too. It’s a hard journey sometimes isn’t it, sometimes I just want to just stop trying but I know that would actually feel worse than these hard bits. Onwards, upwards, even when it’s hard.

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  5. “This is the hard bit. This is the piece people don’t recognise, going from healthy to healthier. This is the bit where I grit my teeth and hand on and hope people understand.”
    xx its true that many people don’t get it but I understand and You understand and We both know that what you’re doing is so courageous and wise and kind xx I send you loads of hugs, gentleness, listening and whatever you need to get through this time because I trust that it is the right thing that you’re doing xxx thinking of you xxx Em

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    1. You’re right Em (of course you are!) I realised this morning that there a lots of people who understand – the lovely world in here, my counsellor, my friends (I confessed to one of them and it helped). I think I always default to ‘oh I’m so alone in this’ as I was for years, but I’m not now, I have support and understanding and yes it’s still hard but it’s so necessary. Feeling much stronger today!

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      1. XXX Im so glad to hear you’re feeling stronger today XXX I’m here for you anyway and rooting for you. I totally understand about the default position being ‘no-body will get this’ as I often feel like that about the finer points of recovery too but it always lifts my heart to discover that other people have been through the same or similar and do understand x sending you hugs and respect and my thanks again to you for sharing your inspiring courage xx ❤ Em ps I went swimming in the sea twice today – spectacular !! I can't believe its June tomorrow though YIKES!!

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