Today I’m just sharing a win with you guys. Short version: I bought a rice pot, I didn’t binge or purge,I feel like a superhero.
I was at a friend’s house for tea and cake yesterday late afternoon. It was at an awkward time so threw me a bit in terms of meal planning. I had planned on having my afternoon snack there and was going to have a slice of cake as she bakes amazing cakes and I feel safe eating her stuff.
I had the cake and then also had quite a few candied nuts. They weren’t on the plan but I’d never tried them and once I had one the ‘danger binge coming’ switch went on.
I rationalised with myself that I would make the cakes and nuts my dinner as one solution (hello restricting ED), but I was worried that I’d be setting myself up for a rough day tomorrow as my body does not like any restriction at the moment.
Then I thought that I was planning on going to the supermarket anyway afterwards so I could buy something quick to binge on and purge everything (oh yes hello binging ED’s twisted mind where the solution to eating too much is eating more?)
By time I got the the supermarket I hadn’t quite made up my mind what to do. It was dangerous me being there but I had run out of key foods at home and have study plans for today (Sunday) so I really didn’t want to have to go to supermarket then.
I walked down the aisles in the supermarket contemplating what to do. I really didn’t want to binge/purge and feel rough the next day, yet I was feeling so guilty about the nuts and yet also knowing that they weren’t enough for dinner that I was exposing myself to a binge later anyway.
Eventually I realise that I could strike a balance, I could get a ‘treat’ for tea that would satisfy the binge urges but not makes me need to purge. I picked up a fresh lentil rice pot quick meal, I would never buy these normally as I don’t buy ready meals and they are £3 for something I can make myself for far less, but I knew I wouldn’t go home and make a proper dinner so I bought it along with the other stuff I needed. It felt rebellious buying the rice pot because I’d never had one before but it was a safe meal in terms of calories and was actually nutritious food.
It felt powerful making a good decision. I was smiling to myself thinking how far I have come, that I could now be in a supermarket with the opportunity to either restrict or binge/purge and that I am choosing neither. I was literally grinning to myself! I came home and cooked the rice pot and ate it mindfully at the table and then had some fruit for dessert and then watched some Netflix before falling into bed content with my decision making.
This morning’s self is very grateful to last night’s self for making a good choice and setting me up well for the day.
Recovery is one win at a time, and all the baby steps are starting to join together. Hurrah!