Today I got asked what I thought would happen if I ate a Nak’d bar everyday? (Nak’d bars are ‘smooshed’ fruit and nut bars). A random question to most people but it was in the context of me potentially expanding my snack choices. I don’t think my friend realised what a profound question she was asking me, but I now want to pass it on. Think of some food item you love and could happily eat everyday – but don’t allow yourself too. What are the reasons? What do you think would happen?
For me and Nak’d bars my first reason is that they are expensive and that I should just make my own. But the fact is I won’t do this, I’d like to, but I won’t. I also like knowing the calories which would be harder homemade (stupid, but true for me).
If I get past this excuse- which I easily can seeing as I have definitely spent money on other food just the throw it up, the next reason is that I’m afraid if I have them in the house I will binge on them. It’s an expensive binge! Plus, once a food becomes a binge food I then eliminate it from my regular food and have to work hard to introduce it back in. I’m aware a response will probably be that if I ate one everyday then I wouldn’t want to binge on them, but it doesn’t always work like that. I’ve eaten oats for thousands of breakfasts but if I want to binge then I’d go for them, so I am scared to have them in the cupboard. However I don’t have to bulk buy, I could just have a box of 4 at a time.
So, say if I get past the reasons why I couldn’t eat on everyday, what do I think would happen if I did eat one everyday?
I would feel greedy. I would feel weak for eating something deemed as a ‘treat’ everyday. I would feel that I should show better willpower. I know I’d enjoy them so then would be afraid that I’d want them. And that’s not allowed. It’s not that I think I’m undeserving, I’m just under the impression that I shouldn’t be eating things that I like too much as it shows no self-control. Even if I were told to eat them, there would be a bit of me that feels relieved to be allowed to, and I hate that bit of me, or more accurately, ED hates that bit of me. I’d also be worried that I’d still feel hungry after one as a snack, therefore better to eat none at all, because that want just shows how gluttonous I really am deep down (‘or hungry?’ pipes up my rational brain).
It’s not that I think I’ll gain weight or go over calories or anything, it’s different to that, which is hard to get people to understand as they’re typically classed as a ‘healthy snack’. It’s not food itself, it’s wanting the food. This is when eating disorders show their mental illness side, and it’s not about food but it is about food.
Does this make any sense to anyone?! I’m intrigued if anyone else gets thoughts like this?
Ps: after writing this the crazy demon voice is now suggesting that as I quite like porridge now maybe I need to stop having it for a while and have just fruit instead. I will ignore it, but this is the kind of s**t I have to negotiate in my twisted little brain!