I am exhausted. Mentally and physically. My brain hurts and my body hurts. I have kept going and going and going and I know I can’t keep it up anymore. I had a sobbing session with my counsellor today. I started crying in the waiting room and then it didn’t stop. My eating is all over the place, my stress levels are sky high. PhD stuff is freaking me out. Work is just full of people needing things from me. I am over promising and under delivering and I hate myself for it. This weekend coming is the first of 4 trips in the next 6 weeks for weddings and hen parties and christenings. (I’m so blessed to have lots of lovely friends but sometimes I wish they could spread their life events out!). I need some time to myself as I know going on like this is not sustainable.
And yet I could make time for myself if I tried. I’m sure people would understand. I could schedule things better. I could take on less at work. I could exercise less. I could prioritise spending time food shopping and cooking. But I haven’t been, and I need to take some responsibility for the impact that is having.
I really struggle with slowing down and stopping. My experiences of when I’m not ‘go go go’ are of depression and inaction. As with so many things, I’m all or nothing. I can keep going until I need to collapse and hide. I have recognised this before and have really tried to address it, but the guilt and anxiety that come with ‘down-time’ is hard to cope with. It never feels that restful to be honest, and when I do enjoy it I feel ashamed for enjoying it. I associate action with thinness and control and effectiveness, and stillness with weakness, laziness and fatness.
I need to accept that I’m not superwoman, that I can’t do everything and be well, and that’s okay, it is not a reflection on my strength of character, it’s just who I am.
I’m annoyed at myself for falling down the same hole that has tripped me up before, but there’s always room for learning. I can’t make major changes right now as my calendar is how it is, but I can be aware to not make any more plans for a while until I have figured out this whole moderation thing.
Does this need to be always on the go affect anyone else? Any tips gratefully received as always!