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Turning the volume down

Warning: slightly indulgent and self-piteous post ahead! Tiredness is talking I think!

I know there’s a lot of stuff going on in my head right now. Just general stuff about relationships, work, study, family, life. Most of it about how lucky I am with my lot (because I am), but all of it tainted by how crap I’m feeling sometimes despite my wonderful life.

I used to shut this stuff out, or off. My eating disorder replaced most of it, helping me achieve this. I would tune out the world and minimise my life to calories and weights and food and measurements. The volume on real stuff would go down and the ED voice would go up. 

I can’t seem to do that anymore: life keeps rearing both its ugly and beautiful head. I want the ED volume up, I want to be anorexic, I want to really prove that I can be ill, but it’s not working. Despite myself I am staying well- I’m doing structured eating, I’m doing self-care, I’m exercising moderately. And with that comes some acknowledgement of needing to think about other issues than ED. 

I know I should be pleased about this, it shows the steps I’ve taken towards recovery are working. Yet at the same time I’m agonising over why the scales aren’t dropping, and feeling crap that I’m healthy. 

This is such a messed up disorder. I don’t even think I’m explaining this properly. Basically, I want to be well but I feel like I need to show I was properly sick first, like it’s the last piece of the puzzle. I just never had the dramatic weight loss that is meant to come with ED, and I’m stuck moving forward while I know I never was ‘really thin’.

After years of this I’m so frustrated at myself that I was never ‘really thin’. 

Sigh. 

Ps: this is an objective evaluation as well as subjective, I have been underweight but not at the level of meeting many ED service criteria, and never that you would look at me and think ‘anorexic’. I know you don’t need to be thin to have an ED, it’s just that I would have liked to have been. 😦 

10 thoughts on “Turning the volume down”

  1. Dear you. I totally fully absolutely understand your feeling. In my dance class there are two women who both look very anorexic (whereas I look healthy) and I am SO jealous of them. I’m aware that they probably don’t have a life and are miserable, but I want it SO badly it’s unbearable. What I wanted to say is this: life does not – not at all – become any easier once you’ve been as thin as ‘what people think of when they think about anorexia’. It doesn’t. The longing doesn’t go away. When you’ve been that thin, you will want it again, just as much as you want it now. It’s your ED trying to tell you otherwise, and your ED is lying to you. Fighting an ED is a hell of a fight that takes a hell of a lot of time. Every pound you loose takes two weeks to gain back, at the very very least. That means two more weeks of fighting and struggling. It’s not worth it. Believe me. It’s not worth it. Sending my love, Ana

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    1. It’s really reassuring (while sad for you of course xxx) that you feel the same way – and I need to hear that reaching that magic number is not going to be the answer. Gaining the weight has never been a problem for me though- last time I stopped restricting to regain the weight it took me barely a few weeks- and man I hated my body for that- the fear that I gain weight so easily has been with me since childhood – and has driven lots of my ED. I know I need to work in accepting that my body just knows what it needs – and that I should be very grateful for that. I’m just in a funny place with everything right now – but I really appreciate you reading and commenting- thank you xxx

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  2. How amazing is this post? Honouring your right to be on this planet regardless. All those thoughts about thinness is your eating disorder trying to take claim…. you are amazing and a true warrior against this illness.

    When you hear that berating, bully voice … shout ‘noooooo.’ You are not defined by thinness, you are defined by your actions! You rock xx

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    1. Hello you! How are you? Thank you for pointing out the positives in this post-it’s really helpful- all I can see right now are the negatives of not being able to lose weight- but you’re right that there are lots of good things about where my thoughts are right now. Much love!

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  3. I think you explained really well and that you could send this post around to basically everyone working with people who are in recovery from eating disorders, I think it would help them understand the struggle and confusion we face. It sounds like there are stresses and pressures in your life and although you’re aware of the positive things you are also craving some shelter and security. You have made a lot of progress in recovery – you have insight and resilience but as you know – this is a hard mental illness to recover from, it takes time. I send all my support to you for your courage in recognising it for what it is. I wonder if this is an opportunity to try out some more effective methods of self-care or ‘escape’ from the current stresses then what the ed is automatically offering you? Even if you aren’t aware of anything in particular that is triggering the current high level of desire for anorexia the fact that you’re experiencing those thoughts means that you need a little extra care or maybe to escape from the world somehow. Are there any other ways that you could give yourself some kindness, self-care and shelter? Anything you could treat yourself to? My ambition is to gain the skill of treating myself to a day-spa instead of relapsing! the current other ‘healthy substitute’ ideas on my go-to list are pony trekking, yoga nidra, aromatherapy massage, a book, a movie, listening to the New Yorker short story podcast, a walk at the sea, a sun-bed (I’ve never done a sun bed but i like the sun and apparently it feels good) xxx what do you think? xxx Em

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    1. Sending you so many hugs right now- thank you for your truly helpful answer / and for challenging me in a caring way. I’m starting to accept it is the illness that’s driving my weight loss desire, and I’m realising that there must be something else going on (it did actually take me a while to realise this- d’oh) – probably relationship stuff, I guess changes in where I thought my life was going etc). I’m still a bit stuck though, and still wondering whether just reaching that weight of ‘anorexic’ would allow me to tick that box and move on. Despite this though I am eating regularly and looking after myself so life is winning whether I want it to or not! It’s a funny place to be, but I’ll be okay x and how are you?

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  5. I know that feeling. I want to get better but at the sane time I want to loose more weight, be more skinny, see the scales Go down. But st the same time get better

    We’ve just got to keep powering on. Thinking of you x

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